V-Unit Rolls Deep

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Anything I can do, Suggs can do better...or so she thinks. For your reading pleasure, Suggs has put together her own celebrity entourage.

After reading Roby's obscenely A-list celebrity (editor's note: it is not) B-list entourage, Mike asked me if he could use Mel Gibson (editor's note: awesome pick. It would help keep those damned Jews away)...but now for my genuinely B-list celebrity entourage, and this is all based on the person's seemingly real personality, not on characters they play. If I went by characters they played, I'd pick Logan Echolls, Dan Marino, and Larry the Cable Guy. But since I am going on who these people really are, I can't pick them. The guy who played Logan is a Scientologist, everyone I know that has met Dan Marino has told me he is the biggest fucking asshole, and Larry the Cable Guy is not attractive enough for my entourage. On to my actual list...

(Editor's note: That was an unnecessary barb taken at the Editor's team's most famous quarterback, most likely because Suggs is still bitter that she lost her team's most famous quarterback to a fully legal and clean hit by Bernard Pollard last year. She was reminded when Pollard scored a TD against the Patriots in last week's season finale. Also, Wes Welker tore his ACL and MCL in that game. Guess who made the tackle on the play.)

Mike Epps- This dude is funny. He smokes weed in every movie he is in, so most likely in real life too. He's good friends with Ice-T which is a good connection to have (editor's note: you cannot mention Ice-T without mentioning Ice Cube). He is a pretty steady working actor so he wouldn't be a mooch in the entourage. He doesn't appear in anything too retarded (editor's note: "Malibu's Most Wanted") and I've never heard anything bad about him. I also appreciate how he was able to keep the "Friday" franchise alive after the departure of Chris Tucker- not an easy feat. He'd be a solid acquistion.

Eric Roberts- He is my obligatory celebrity sibling. His sister is like the most famous actress in the world so that's an awesome connection, on the minus side they aren't very close but she is close to his daughter so it could still be a benefit. In terms of Eric himself he seems to have a decent sense of humor and can probably score some good pot and possibly some other shit that you may not expect. He is also willing to parody himself.

Matt Leinhart- My posse needs an athlete, and it's gotta be one that parties. Matt Leinhart works, Tim Tebow would not (plus he'd get all the attention). Leinhart doesn't concern himself with trivial things other athletes do, like starting or playing time or any of that other bullshit that cuts into drinking time, so he'd always be down to party. Plus he seems too hang out with a lot of Hollywood partiers so he'd be a good connection to any kind of pharmaceuticals the rest of the entourage needed.

Lil' John- Do I need to explain this...?

Hank Williams Jr.- Because my entourage would be the realest one around. Since all his rowdy friends have settled down, he could use some new ones. Bonus: I think he'd be able to drink me under the table, which is a pretty rare trait and I respect that.

Bill Simmons- I agree with most of his points about sports, plus we share a passion for the same sports teams and it's always good to have someone to root along with.

Chelsea Handler- She likes vodka and she's sarcastic. We'd get along great.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Cast- They all write the show and they'd be good to come through every once in awhile to shoot the shit and get really fucked up with.

Katt Williams- Solid weed connection, friends with snoop and Nick Cannon-Carey. Makes hilariously bad choices that would amuse the whole group.

Kim Kardashian- She's hot and is always invited to the best parties but she doesn't drink, so she'd be a perfect DD.

Tara Reid- Every entourage needs one washed up (NSFW) has been. And she knows how to party.

Jeff VanVonderen- He's the bald interventionist from "Intervention." You never know when you'll need a quick intervention, plus I've heard every so often Jeff falls off the wagon and he'd be insane to party with.

That was my celebrity entourage... I'm watching Mike work on his right now so hopefully we will be back with that one later.

Rolling With The Homies (R.I.P. Tai)

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I was watching "Major League 2" the other day (an underrated comedy, definitely one of the rare good movie sequels), and it got to the scene where players are arriving for spring training. After spending the off-season filming the action blockbuster "Black Hammer White Lightning," Willie Mays Hayes rolls up to the training facility in a super stretch. Out pop 20 or so random extras that look like they were pulled straight from the early 90's (hint: they were). Some dude with a cowboy hat steps out and I found myself wishing that he was Toby Keith. A hot blonde was next and I wished she was Pam Anderson. After watching all those assholes file out of the limo, I was pissed that Willie Mays Hayes had such a shitty entourage. He might as well have these faggots. It got me thinking about who I would let follow me around when I become famous.

My B-List Entourage (Aka: The Dirty-as-Fuck Dozen):

Charlie Murphy- You need a famous brother if your posse is gonna have any street cred. Obviously Kevin Dillon is already taken. Chris Penn is unfortunately dead. Frank Stallone and Don Swayze, are creepy looking clones of their privilidged brothers, and Clint Howard is just plain creepy. I couldn't figure out which Wayans brother would qualify as the "brother" (hint: all of them), so I settled on Charlie Murphy. He is funny in his own right, and I need some darkness in my posse. Plus he has an in with the-artist-formerly-known-as-the-artist-formerly-known-as-Prince.

Bill Paxton- I am going to include Bill Paxton on one condition. I will require that he stays in character at all times. Simon was by-far his best character (along with Coconut Pete). I respect him because he likes the paycheck that comes from of terrible acting, and doesn't take himself seriously enough to make movies that most people classify as "good".

Andy Samberg- When you are in my posse, crazy shit is gonna happen. There are gonna be bitches on the reg, cheap booze on the reg, shenanigans on the reg...and we are gonna need someone to make funny movies about all of it. Also, it helps that he has a face that tough guys just wanna punch as hard as possible. That will save me some headaches, I'm sure.

Anthony Anderson- Ever since "Hang Time", he has been the quintessential 6th man of our generation. He was in every black movie since 1998 and somehow has yet to win an Oscar. I'm keeping him around for comic relief. Every crew needs a dude who pisses himself every time shit gets real.

Steve Buschemi- People say he isn't a very good actor. I say fuck that. He has done an excellent job in practically every role he has been cast. So what if every one of those roles called for creepy and crazy. Find what you do well, and perfect it. Every entourage needs a little bit of crazy, and I got mine.

Devon Sawa/JTT- I will get whichever one of these motherfuckers are still alive, since they are 100% interchangeable anyway. Having a child star/teen idol in the mix is really helpful when attracting girls with low self-esteem. Any girl dumb enough to bang these assholes is good enough for me. Plus, I need someone to hold my meth and blow.

Jean Claude Van Damme- When imaginary ass needs to pretend kicking, he's our guy. He is Van Fucking Damme. He is the godfather of the UFC, but not really. The reason he gets the nod over Steven Seagal is because although both make movies that ridicule themselves mercilessly, only JCVD managed to do it on purpose (I think it was on purpose). Plus his penchant for doing splits and making funny faces means he will probably be fun to get drunk with. (P.S. After Googling him to find images for this post, I was reminded how awesome Van Damme is. I became a little bit nervous that he would take over leadership of my posse until I found this.)

Internet Pornstars (NSFW)- Jenna Haze, Kate "Play" Ground, Tori Black, etc. In my posse, there is gonna be sex on the reg, and it's gotta come on the cheap. Having these almost-pros/not-quite-amateurs on call is a better value than say Jenna Jameson. Plus, since they are less famous, I can pretend like they haven't had 5,000 knobs inside them. What can I say? I have a soft spot for hot naked bitches.

Bob Saget- What can I say? I guess I will just have to fight Jamie Kennedy for the rights to Danny Tanner. Or maybe, I will just get Van Damme to do it for me. He is one of the dirtiest motherfuckers in the business, so he belongs in my crew. Bonus: I get to hear sweet stories of the debauchery that went down on the set of "Full House." (I wish "The Office" would write an episode where Michael Scott's boss gets into a car wreck and comes back only to have brain damage that makes him belligerent and vulgar all the time. He would be played perfectly by Bob Saget. Or something about an evil twin. That would be sweet.)

Rick Fox- For the better part of the 90s, he was the ugliest player in the NBA. Yet, he bangs hot chicks, and somehow landed a pretty, respectable wife. That tells me two things: He is smarter than he looks, and he knows where to score good blow. As a bonus, he knows where all the best parties are in LA.

Nick Swardson- If only for his work in "Grandma's Boy," "Reno: 911," and "IFH Mondays," he has to roll with me. He also has some pretty funny stand-up. He would be designated as the one who will represent us when the cops come around (the real ones, not Reno P.D.). I imagine he would do a good job of insulting them and sending them on their way.

Adam Sandler- I know he is a full-fledged A-lister, but I will make an exception for him. He doesn't seem pretentious or too big-headed to slum it with us (his head is mis-shaped, not big). As it is, he hangs out with Rob Schneider, so you know his standards are low already. After watching his movies, I know I can count on him having good shit on his iPod.

There you have it. This is my entourage, and as the master and commander of this motley crew, I reserve the right to kick anyone the fuck out at any time. You probably think that I should have more bitches in my crew, but in all honesty, if they aren't currently sucking me off, they are more than likely being a pain in the ass (and some can do both at the same time. see: ex-girlfriends). I don't need that kind bullshit in my life, I need the fun kind.