You’re Fucking Out. I’m Fucking In.

~

I was looking back on my first post and was reminded why I started this blog; to talk about sports, sex, beer, being an asshole, and lists. I then realized that I could kill 5 birds with the 101 MPH fireball that Kenny Powers. That sexual-ass motherfucker drinks Miller High Life like it was water, and treats women like his personal fuck dolls. He’s a fucking champion in baseball and in life (plus he has a sweet-ass jet-ski). Without further ado, here are some words of wisdom from the first season of Eastbound and Down.

“If there's one thing I hate, it's losing. If there's two things I hate, it's losing and getting cancer.”

-Kenny Powers on losing

“Sure I've been called a xenophobe, but the truth is I'm not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and all the other countries aren't as good. That used to be called patriotism.”

­-Kenny Powers on patriotism

“I got a dental dam in the glove compartment.- It's a rubber for your mouth, it's not that big of a deal, ok? And besides, it's not just for my protection, you don't know what shit I got either.”

-Kenny Powers on safe sex

“I've been blessed with many things in this life. An arm like a fucking rocket, a dick like a burmese python, and the mind of a fucking scientist.”

­-Kenny Powers on being thankful

“Listen here you beautiful bitch, I'm about to fuck you up with some truth.”

-Kenny Powers on honesty

“No actually I don't. I play real sports, not tryin’ to be the best at exercising.”

-Kenny Powers on triathlons

“Do not stare at me with those dead eyes, you church bitch!”

-Kenny Powers on religion

“You know, that's how the plague started back in the day. From a little disgusting bird bath in someone's back yard, and rats made sex to birds in it and created a whole new type of AIDS.”

-Kenny Powers on history

“I don't mean to break up a good time here, but I just saw two boys raping a sixth grader. Ya, ya, I'm just kidding.”

-Kenny Powers on teamwork

“You wanna know about relationships? I know all there is to know. Just ask my second wife Tina. Ya she was a stripper, and if Montel Williams wants to talk shit some more then he can go fuck himself because those charges were dropped.”

-Kenny Powers on relationships

“You mean Jew York? It’s friggin great. I gotta tell ya, I thought the blacks in Baltimore were bad. Shit, they're nothing compared to these fags you got here in San Francisco. Heh heh.”

-Kenny Powers on diversity

“What did I tell you? I said put something nice on, you look like a busted Daytona stripper in that shit.”

-Kenny Powers on fashion

“All right you stoic little bastard. In the computer room, little second drawer where I keep my weed, underneath the handgun, there's a stack of porn that'll put calluses on those little hands of yours.”

-Kenny Powers on parenting

“Smashing a brick through a fucking dude’s window is nothing compared to the things I’ve done. I’ve killed people.”

-Kenny Powers on mischief

“You were driving because you are my assistant. And that’s what my assistant does - he drives me around when I get shit-hammered.”

-Kenny Powers on drinking responsibly

“Are you ready to learn some next level shit? From this moment on you guys are no longer little kids — you are cold calculated murderers. This is the mindset you’ve got to be in if you want to be a champion.”

-Kenny Powers on teaching

“Obviously, I’m not going to need steroids when I’m in fucking shape. This is just to kick-start the training, dude.”

-Kenny Powers on fitness

“Looking at a bunch of little boys throwing balls, instead of getting on board my shit and seeing what real talent looks like? Well that’s fucking terrific — my business is being a goddamn powerhouse and making millions of bucks.”

-Kenny Powers on business

“Some people say that Kenny Powers is a woman hater. That’s not true - I love women. Every fucking one of them, even the ugly as shit ones. But don’t ask me to trust them. Not even nuns. Because every pair of tits comes with a gaping hole of need that even Kenny Powers can’t fill.”

-Kenny Powers on feminism

“You know what Kenny Powers says? Fundamentals are a crutch for the talentless. This one coach tried to put me on a weight training program. And I was all like “you and your weights can go fuck off somewhere — I am not lifting that shit — it’s heavy.” You tell me why I need strength training when I am strong enough to throw a god damn 100 mile per hour pitch. Fuck that.”

-Kenny Powers on fundamentals

“No, dude. This is a real job. It’s not like teaching kids, you can’t get fucked up.”

-Kenny Powers on teaching

“There’s one image in my life that consistently makes me happy, no matter when I think about it, and that image, that one image is your big tits.”

-Kenny Powers on happiness

“I mean, no offense, but you got a shitty job, you’re not quite as tall as me, nobody really respects you. You have me on the other hand. I got the glory, I got the fame, the money, the jewels, the cash, the Denali. Getting drunk on the reg, fucking good times on the reg, yachts on the reg, sex on the reg... Basically all the shit that most guys fantasize about.”

-Kenny Powers on being Kenny Powers

It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year (Keg Week)

~

Some of the great discoveries of the modern world happened on accident; Velcro, Viagra, and even abortions. Isn't serendipity grand? Sometimes opportunity knocks ever so lightly that it takes a special kind of pioneer to heed the call to greatness, and recognize the chance they have been presented. Around this time some four years ago, a motley crew consisting of alcoholics, vagrants, thieves, and a few Ocala residents heeded that call when they stumbled upon one of the greatest discoveries in the history of mankind...

Keg Week.

Since my memory of how it all went down is a bit unclear, I have asked Suggs to do the honors.

It was early one Saturday morning, December 10, 2005 to be exact and Bennigan's was having its yearly staff meeting. I woke up early and was still smashed from the night before. I decided the obvious choice was to begin my day with a few vodka shots. So I did a few while I waited for Luke Bessey to pick me up to give me a ride to the meeting. I greeted his Silly ass with a shot of well vodka. We proceeded to the meeting where I met up with among other people Nikki and Adam. While Roby was being given positions like "Marketing Manager" (and yes it requires "quotes" as it was a make believe position that afforded Roby the luxury of watching movies, banging his girlfriend, and sleeping, all while making $10 an hour. Kevin is such a fucking idiot.), Nikki, Adam, and I were drinking through the meeting. The three of us then opened the restaurant along with Craig on day-bar and Louise was "Key" (another bogus position, but then again, what fun would it be working there if the inmates weren't running the asylum) . Unfortunately for Louise, she spent the entire shift throwing up. Fortunately for us, Louise spent the entire shift throwing up, leaving us free to drink through said shift with no repercussions (True story: when typing this, I had to ask how to spell "repercussions" because I have never used that word before). As our shift came to a close, I was drunk and remarked that I had no intention of losing that feeling, and we should continue drinking together until a.) our livers give out, b.) we run out of money, or c.) Kash and Karry runs out of beer. The decision was made to get a keg. I had to work a double, so Adam and Nikki bought the keg. After the night shift I met them at Adam's apartment and we had over most of the Bennigans staff as well as enough others to make it a good-sized crowd.

The next day I was working a night shift when Nikki and Adam came into the restaurant to see if I was ready to start drinking. As he finished his sentence, Adam said "I should have said continue drinking" as he saw my flask (aka plastic Propel bottle) in my right hand. They waited for me to get off work and then we went and purchased another keg and headed to Nikki's house for night #2. Monday morning me and Adam had to open the restaurant. Nikki called at 11 am to let me know that she was finishing the keg from the night before and trying to get her roommate to drink it with her. Meanwhile, the computers crashed so we had to manually order everything and write checks with no way to verify anything other than some alcoholic crackhead cooks... needless to say, we made a fuck ton of money and drank an equally large amount of free liquor. After work, we went over to Nikki's house to help her polish off the the keg, we looked around and decided that something was missing. So we went and got another keg. That's how day # 3 started.

And so the legend of keg week began. Keg week continued each night for the rest of the week. I like to think it would have continued for life, but people had to go home for the holidays. It was never a plan that first week. Each night we just got together and decided to get another keg. There was always cause for it, and the premise was simple. Get a keg, and everyone pitches in $5 for a cup. Sometimes we collected enough to buy a bottle too, and other times we didn't cover the cost to the keg. It was awesome either way. The party was at a different location each night. Whoever had the party at their house drank for free that night. It was a great time. Mike, Lexy V, John Webb, Chris Z, Anthony, Patricia, Louise, Dave, Sara, Jenna, John Vincent, Donaldo, Sandy, Nunez, Jodi, Danny, Craig, and Henkel (and some of his henchmen) rounded out the bunch.

Keg Week changed all of our lives, Adam fell in love with Patricia and started dating her a week after Keg Week- they're married now. Nikki and I became roommates after Keg Week and are still best friends. I continued keg week the following year and then the next year Roby and Zupo took it up with me and the three of us carried the tradition on with our old friends as well as the new ones we made at various shitty restaurants around town. Sadly, after the third year, like a supernova, Keg Week faded out. It lives on however, in our heart, minds, and deteriorated livers. Someday, somewhere, somebody is going to revive the tradition of Keg Week. I just hope I am there to see it.

V is for Vodka (and Veronica Mars)

~

Random conversation that epitomizes my life with The Suggs:

Miamichalupa13: does Andrea Zuckerman have an eating disorder?
Suggsy23: sadly no
Miamichalupa13: i always get 90210 confused with saved by the bell: the college years
Miamichalupa13: haha
Suggsy23: but her daughter was on the ep for like 5 secs and someone said "omg is that girl like 30 years old or what?"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Suggsy23: OUCH
Suggsy23: i just walked into a wall
Suggsy23: perhaps i have drank too much tonight
Suggsy23: but i doubt it...

It is a basic rule of writing that you should never give a guest spot in your book to someone who is a better writer than you are. Lucky for you, I don't give a fuck about rules. My friend The Suggs is going to be a regular contributer to this piece of shit blog, so start warming up the vodka...Well Vodka. I'm gonna let her introduce herself tomorrow, but until then I will leave you with a piece that she wrote following our outrageous trip to Panama City Beach in 2007. . Ladies and gentlemen, The Suggs.

The Events of Tuesday March 13th 6:00am- Wednesday March 14th 6:00am as seen through the eyes of The Suggs.

Tuesday 6am: Roby is standing in a corner of the room looking like the kid at the end of Blair Witch Project. I have no idea what is wrong with him.

6:01 am: Roby opens the patio door and pees outside.

6:03 am: He has now been peeing for 2 straight minutes. I roll over and go back to sleep.

8:00 am: Roby yells something in his sleep from across the room. I think it was "asndasasdknikn".

8:01 am: I go back to sleep.

10:30 am: I wake up and attempt to wake everyone up for the beach bash. No one wakes up. I am pissed.

10:32 am: Kerri calls and wants to know how the trip is. I tell her it is awesome, and I have never seen anything like it. The beach bash is at 12 and I am excited.

10:34 am: I get dressed and try to wake everybody up.

10:35 am: No one gets up. I am pissed.

10:36 am: I crack my first beer.

10:38 am: I do a beer bong.

10:45 am: I drink more beer.

11:00 am: I try to wake everyone up again. No one gets up.

11:15 am: I fall back asleep.

12:30 pm: I wake up and realize I am a half hour late for the beach bash. I wake everybody up and go outside.

12:31 pm: Mike tries to wake up John. He feels that opening the blinds and jumping on John is the best way to do this.

12:32 pm: John informs Mike that he will fight him at some point today.

12:33 pm: The wait to get in to Sharky's is at least 90 minutes long. Mike and I pay $5 for bigger cups and cut everyone in line.

12:35 pm: I get a beer and realize I am very sober. I tell Mike there is only one option.

12:36 pm: Three cherry bombs are placed in front of me. I slam them.

12:40 pm: Nikki, Lexy, and Roby arrive.

12:45 pm: I have 9 shots of vodka placed in front of me. I slam the first one. It doesnt go down well. I order a redbull and turn the shots into vodka/red bull shots.

12:46 pm: I slam 2 shots. Lexy slams one.

12:47 pm: Mike slams 2.5 shots. I slam .5 shot.

12:48 pm: I slam the remaining 2 shots.

12:49 pm: I slam several Miller Lites.

12: 50 pm: A random guy spills his drink on me.

12:51 pm: I steal his hat from him.

12:55 pm: I see a guy in a polo shirt. His collar is popped.

12:56 pm: I ask him why. He doesn't have a response.

12:57 pm: He gets a friend. His collar is popped.

12:59 pm: I take their picture.

1:30 pm: I am standing at the minibar. A random guy walks over. I tell him Roby is gay.

1:32 pm: He moves away from Roby.

1:33 pm: Everyone laughs. Roby tries not to but can't help himself.

1:45 pm: I tell everybody around me that Roby is gay.

1:50 pm: I convince one guy that gay people should not be allowed at Sharky's. We try to get Roby removed.

1:51 pm: I am laughing so hard I can barely speak.

2:00 pm: I continue slamming shots at the bar.

2:16 pm: John finally shows up. He has a hangover.

2:17 pm: I tell him that a shot of Johnny Walker Platinum is on the way. John is familiar with this running joke. (John and our other friend Chris, Kerri from later in the story's brother, are both fans of Johnny Walker. Whenever I am drunk I pretend there is a version known as Platinum. It has been aging since the year 0000 and Jesus is rumored to have touched it.)

2:18 pm: John cheers up and starts drinking.

3:00 pm: The Real World cast shows up. I am not happy as I have not watched the show in years and don't care. Apparently Brad is now a dirt bike racer. I tell everyone around me that I hate dirt bike racing.

3:14 pm: Roby and Lexy are standing in front of me.

3:15 pm: I realize that they are talking to me.

3:16 pm: I have no idea what they are saying.

3:17 pm: I assume they are saying "tasty tasty" which was there catch phrase for spring break b/c they think they are fergalicious.

3:18 pm: I propose a toast to Spring Break.

3:19 pm: We all take a chug of beer.

3:20 pm: I spit my sip at Lexy and Roby. It sprays all over them. I am dying laughing.

3:21 pm: The MTV camera people are filming it. They are dying laughing.

3:22 pm: I yell "hey, i didn't sign a waiver!"

3:23 pm: They laugh and shrug their shoulders.

4:00 pm: Kerri Zupofska calls. She has arrived.

4:01 pm: I order more shots from the bar.

4:30 pm: I remember Kerri is outside Sharky's. I find Mike and go meet Kerri.

4:32 pm: The three of us go to the room and continue getting anihilated.

5:00 pm: Nikki and Lexy return from Sharky's.

5:05 pm: Me, Mike, Kerri, Nikki, and Lexy go to the Big Kahuna for lunch.

5:10 pm: I eat Lexy's entire bag of cheetos. She is pissed. I do not understand why.

5:11 pm: I inform her that they were in fact my cheetos but since she's so upset about it I will order her, her own bag of cheetos.

5:20 pm: Nikki buys us all a shot. I shudder.

5:21 pm: Nikki spies a couple in the back. She gets them a shot.

5:22 pm: My blackout is emminent at this point. Things are already at the point where I look around and am confused.

6:00 pm: Mike and I get our check. It has no prices on it but they tell us it is $48. Mike is paying but I feel that they are ripping him off. I demand an itemized bill.

6:01 pm: Three bartenders begin arguing with me that I am wrong.

6:02 pm: They tell me that my tab is in fact $22.

6:03 pm: They refuse to take Mike's credit card. Kerri pays the check.

6:04 pm: I leave the Big Kahuna. I begin screaming as I cross the street.

6:07 pm: I pass out in my bed.

9:30 pm: Roby, John, Lexy, Kerri and I go to Wendy's. It is the most disgusting thing I have ever eaten. I have no idea why.

9:45 pm: John asks if this is one of those places where you leave your trash on the table and they throw it away for you.

9:46 pm: After looking around the room I inform him that it is in fact not one of those places. It appears to be a place where people left their trash on the tables and no one ever came to throw it away.

11:00 pm: Roby develops a terrible hangover.

1:00 am: Roby has determined that his hangover is causing him to see hardcore porn in his brain. He is whining. I tell him to be glad it is regular porn and not a gay porn starring Ice-T slamming Ice Cube.

1:02 am: The only porn Roby can see now is Ice-T slamming Ice Cube.

2:00 am: Roby convinces John to drive him to the ER

2:01 am: I convince John not to drive Roby to the ER b/c he has a hangover.

3:00 am: Roby calls poison control.

3:02 am: Poison control bursts out laughing. They tell Roby to man up, but they sugar coat it.

4:00 am: Roby calls poison control, again.

6:00 am: Poison control calls Roby back, probably to laugh at him some more.



There you have it. More Suggs is on the way.

I've Never Done This Before (Be Gentle)

~

Ok. Well, I guess that nothing about this first entry matters in any way, shape or form. However, never before has that curbed my desire to hear my own voice.

I would take the time to introduce myself, but it seems unnecessary, as you likely fall into one of three categories:

1. You already know me, but you don't really care about what I have to say.
2. You already know me, and are only pretending to care about what I have to say.
3. You neither know me, nor care about what I have to say, therefore my name is irrelevant.

Moreover, since I have a long history of not finishing what I start, I imagine that this entry will be the Alpha and Omega of my blogging epic. So, when you think about it, do you really need to know me?

But, since I started this blog to help pass the long hours spent overnight at the hospital, and I happen to be currently sitting at a computer at said hospital, I might as well pass time by introducing myself.



My name is Robert.



That is all you get because I don't like talking about myself. Ha! That is a lie. The only reason people start blogs is because they love to talk about themselves. In every blogger's perfect world, he starts each day signing on to find that his page has been viewed a thousand times and each person has left comments rife with adulation. I myself, am constantly bombarded with such adoration, so there is no need for it on this blog.

"Roby, since meeting you, my cancer has subsided."
"Roby, you are so funny and smart. Please bang every female in my family."
"Hey Roby, remember that time you gave me a high five? I'm pregnant now."

See what I mean? This is the life I live.

But now that I have written 200 or so words, I got to wondering why I started this blog in the first place. Although boredom is as good of a reason as any to do anything in life, I feel that this blog could be so much more. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect to recieve a Nobel Prize for the contents of this blog. But If I establish a purpose for maintaining this blog, perhaps it will have more success than my past endeavors (learning guitar...brewing beer...college- I still haven't given up on brewing beer, I just haven't had the time lately. Let's do it Travis). It's time to establish a direction and mission statement for this blog.

If I learned one thing from high school it is how to brainstorm. (Actually, I got really good at it. So good, in-fact, that I would erase all the numbers and bullets from my outline and turn that in as a finished essay for AP American History. God bless football coach/history teachers.) Since my mind thinks in bullet point form, I will start by making a list of things I like.

1. Sports (and most other things that you can win by possessing superior skill, stamina, or hard- headedness).
2. Beer
3. Sex
4. Top-10 Lists
5. Being an asshole.


Now I will cross reference that list with a list of things that I know a lot about (or at least have the arrogance to pretend that I know a lot about):

1. Sports (and most other things that you can win by possessing superior skill, stamina, or hard-headedness).
2. Beer
3. Sex
4. Top-10 Lists
5. Being an asshole.

That was easy. It seems that it only makes sense to write about sports, beer, sex, and being an asshole, all while composing top-ten lists of things within said topics.

Thus begins my first foray into blogging.

Mission Statement: To ensure that every man, woman, and child with an internet connection knows how awesome I am. And if they disagree with me, fuck 'em.