You’re Fucking Out. I’m Fucking In.

~

I was looking back on my first post and was reminded why I started this blog; to talk about sports, sex, beer, being an asshole, and lists. I then realized that I could kill 5 birds with the 101 MPH fireball that Kenny Powers. That sexual-ass motherfucker drinks Miller High Life like it was water, and treats women like his personal fuck dolls. He’s a fucking champion in baseball and in life (plus he has a sweet-ass jet-ski). Without further ado, here are some words of wisdom from the first season of Eastbound and Down.

“If there's one thing I hate, it's losing. If there's two things I hate, it's losing and getting cancer.”

-Kenny Powers on losing

“Sure I've been called a xenophobe, but the truth is I'm not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and all the other countries aren't as good. That used to be called patriotism.”

­-Kenny Powers on patriotism

“I got a dental dam in the glove compartment.- It's a rubber for your mouth, it's not that big of a deal, ok? And besides, it's not just for my protection, you don't know what shit I got either.”

-Kenny Powers on safe sex

“I've been blessed with many things in this life. An arm like a fucking rocket, a dick like a burmese python, and the mind of a fucking scientist.”

­-Kenny Powers on being thankful

“Listen here you beautiful bitch, I'm about to fuck you up with some truth.”

-Kenny Powers on honesty

“No actually I don't. I play real sports, not tryin’ to be the best at exercising.”

-Kenny Powers on triathlons

“Do not stare at me with those dead eyes, you church bitch!”

-Kenny Powers on religion

“You know, that's how the plague started back in the day. From a little disgusting bird bath in someone's back yard, and rats made sex to birds in it and created a whole new type of AIDS.”

-Kenny Powers on history

“I don't mean to break up a good time here, but I just saw two boys raping a sixth grader. Ya, ya, I'm just kidding.”

-Kenny Powers on teamwork

“You wanna know about relationships? I know all there is to know. Just ask my second wife Tina. Ya she was a stripper, and if Montel Williams wants to talk shit some more then he can go fuck himself because those charges were dropped.”

-Kenny Powers on relationships

“You mean Jew York? It’s friggin great. I gotta tell ya, I thought the blacks in Baltimore were bad. Shit, they're nothing compared to these fags you got here in San Francisco. Heh heh.”

-Kenny Powers on diversity

“What did I tell you? I said put something nice on, you look like a busted Daytona stripper in that shit.”

-Kenny Powers on fashion

“All right you stoic little bastard. In the computer room, little second drawer where I keep my weed, underneath the handgun, there's a stack of porn that'll put calluses on those little hands of yours.”

-Kenny Powers on parenting

“Smashing a brick through a fucking dude’s window is nothing compared to the things I’ve done. I’ve killed people.”

-Kenny Powers on mischief

“You were driving because you are my assistant. And that’s what my assistant does - he drives me around when I get shit-hammered.”

-Kenny Powers on drinking responsibly

“Are you ready to learn some next level shit? From this moment on you guys are no longer little kids — you are cold calculated murderers. This is the mindset you’ve got to be in if you want to be a champion.”

-Kenny Powers on teaching

“Obviously, I’m not going to need steroids when I’m in fucking shape. This is just to kick-start the training, dude.”

-Kenny Powers on fitness

“Looking at a bunch of little boys throwing balls, instead of getting on board my shit and seeing what real talent looks like? Well that’s fucking terrific — my business is being a goddamn powerhouse and making millions of bucks.”

-Kenny Powers on business

“Some people say that Kenny Powers is a woman hater. That’s not true - I love women. Every fucking one of them, even the ugly as shit ones. But don’t ask me to trust them. Not even nuns. Because every pair of tits comes with a gaping hole of need that even Kenny Powers can’t fill.”

-Kenny Powers on feminism

“You know what Kenny Powers says? Fundamentals are a crutch for the talentless. This one coach tried to put me on a weight training program. And I was all like “you and your weights can go fuck off somewhere — I am not lifting that shit — it’s heavy.” You tell me why I need strength training when I am strong enough to throw a god damn 100 mile per hour pitch. Fuck that.”

-Kenny Powers on fundamentals

“No, dude. This is a real job. It’s not like teaching kids, you can’t get fucked up.”

-Kenny Powers on teaching

“There’s one image in my life that consistently makes me happy, no matter when I think about it, and that image, that one image is your big tits.”

-Kenny Powers on happiness

“I mean, no offense, but you got a shitty job, you’re not quite as tall as me, nobody really respects you. You have me on the other hand. I got the glory, I got the fame, the money, the jewels, the cash, the Denali. Getting drunk on the reg, fucking good times on the reg, yachts on the reg, sex on the reg... Basically all the shit that most guys fantasize about.”

-Kenny Powers on being Kenny Powers

My First Word Was "Ball" (And Have Not Stopped Talking About Balls Since)

~

I have been a huge sports fan since even before I can remember. The first words out of my mouth was "ball." I don't remember saying it, yet my mother is constantly reminding me. Practically every picture of me as a kid is of me kicking/thorwing/dunking a ball. I loved sports, and in return, sports have been good to me.

The Miami Dolphins have been the most steady NFL franchises since their birth in '66. In my life, they were always good, but never great, but that was good enough for me. There was Shula, there was Marino, and there was always hope.

The Miami Heat came to town in 1988. I was immediately hooked. That's what happens when your mom's boss has season tickets, yet doesn't really like basketball. Add Alonzo Mourning, Pat Riley, and you have a team good enough to compete with Michael Jordan in the Eastern Conference Finals. I consider 1998 a win. One Dwyane Wade later, and boom, Championship.

The Florida Panthers wasted little time going from expansion team to Finals runner up. That was truly the most fun I have had during any playoff run, as I was young enough to lose myself in it completely.

The Florida Marlins also jumped straight from expansion team to winners, taking the 1997 World Series in only their fourth year. They won again in 2003, making in two in 10 years. A far cry from the curse of The Bambino, and other such dysfunction.

The Miami Hurricanes, Florida State Seminoles, And Florida Gators, all of whom I have followed at some point in my life, are three dynasties that have controlled the landscape of college and professional football for the better part of three decades. 10  National Titles in 26 years made watching college football in Florida exciting year-in and year-out.

My college years were exciting at UF. Besides the 2 Football Titles, The Gator Basketball team won back-to-back titles. I was living in Title Town.

All told, I have seen 15 championships wins, plus 8 championship game runner-up performances. That's the whole point, right? Championships.


That's what I thought.


But recently, during the current run that the Gators Football team is on, I have realized that being the best is not what it is all about. As we speak, Coach Urban Meyer is leading the Gators on an unprecedented run, winning 2 out of the last 3 BCS Championships, and 19 consecutive games. But why is this season not enjoyable? The Gators are the best and everyone expects them to be the best. As expectations mount, appreciation for what they have done dwindles. Any other team would be chomping at the bit to get where the Gators are. Yet, all you hear from ESPN is how they have not produced explosive scores, and instead of cheers from the stands, you hear complaints about the playcalling. Simply winning is no longer good enough. They want perfection. They want title after title. But to me, the best part was getting here.

Do you remember 2006? Do you remember how much it hurt when Auburn beat the Gators on some close/questionable calls in October? Do you remember how loud the Swamp got when Jarvis Moss blocked that field goal to stave off Spurrier's Gamecocks in November? Do you remember having your friends over for Bowl Selection Sunday in December, fingers crossed to see if the Gators would get a crack at the Buckeyes in January? Do you remember the deflating feeling of watching Ted Ginn Jr.run back the opening kick-off? Do you remember the subsequent rush of watching the underdog Florida Gators smack around, befuddle, and completely dominate the Heisman Trophy winner and the #1 team in the country?

I remember, and it was awesome. It made me want to jump around on University Avenue like a crazy person. Not because you are obligated to do so when you win, but because you feel great and you can't keep it inside. You felt like you were part of something great. Maybe the voice you lost along with 90,833 of your closest friends made the difference. Maybe that group of 85 players was just the perfect mix of talent and heart to get the job done. Maybe it was both. Instead of demanding another championship, hope that you are lucky to see another, and appreciate that it is still a possibility.

The time has come to appreciate the moment you are living in. Just ask any Cubs fan, this feeling is rare, and championships can be few and far between.