You’re Fucking Out. I’m Fucking In.

~

I was looking back on my first post and was reminded why I started this blog; to talk about sports, sex, beer, being an asshole, and lists. I then realized that I could kill 5 birds with the 101 MPH fireball that Kenny Powers. That sexual-ass motherfucker drinks Miller High Life like it was water, and treats women like his personal fuck dolls. He’s a fucking champion in baseball and in life (plus he has a sweet-ass jet-ski). Without further ado, here are some words of wisdom from the first season of Eastbound and Down.

“If there's one thing I hate, it's losing. If there's two things I hate, it's losing and getting cancer.”

-Kenny Powers on losing

“Sure I've been called a xenophobe, but the truth is I'm not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and all the other countries aren't as good. That used to be called patriotism.”

­-Kenny Powers on patriotism

“I got a dental dam in the glove compartment.- It's a rubber for your mouth, it's not that big of a deal, ok? And besides, it's not just for my protection, you don't know what shit I got either.”

-Kenny Powers on safe sex

“I've been blessed with many things in this life. An arm like a fucking rocket, a dick like a burmese python, and the mind of a fucking scientist.”

­-Kenny Powers on being thankful

“Listen here you beautiful bitch, I'm about to fuck you up with some truth.”

-Kenny Powers on honesty

“No actually I don't. I play real sports, not tryin’ to be the best at exercising.”

-Kenny Powers on triathlons

“Do not stare at me with those dead eyes, you church bitch!”

-Kenny Powers on religion

“You know, that's how the plague started back in the day. From a little disgusting bird bath in someone's back yard, and rats made sex to birds in it and created a whole new type of AIDS.”

-Kenny Powers on history

“I don't mean to break up a good time here, but I just saw two boys raping a sixth grader. Ya, ya, I'm just kidding.”

-Kenny Powers on teamwork

“You wanna know about relationships? I know all there is to know. Just ask my second wife Tina. Ya she was a stripper, and if Montel Williams wants to talk shit some more then he can go fuck himself because those charges were dropped.”

-Kenny Powers on relationships

“You mean Jew York? It’s friggin great. I gotta tell ya, I thought the blacks in Baltimore were bad. Shit, they're nothing compared to these fags you got here in San Francisco. Heh heh.”

-Kenny Powers on diversity

“What did I tell you? I said put something nice on, you look like a busted Daytona stripper in that shit.”

-Kenny Powers on fashion

“All right you stoic little bastard. In the computer room, little second drawer where I keep my weed, underneath the handgun, there's a stack of porn that'll put calluses on those little hands of yours.”

-Kenny Powers on parenting

“Smashing a brick through a fucking dude’s window is nothing compared to the things I’ve done. I’ve killed people.”

-Kenny Powers on mischief

“You were driving because you are my assistant. And that’s what my assistant does - he drives me around when I get shit-hammered.”

-Kenny Powers on drinking responsibly

“Are you ready to learn some next level shit? From this moment on you guys are no longer little kids — you are cold calculated murderers. This is the mindset you’ve got to be in if you want to be a champion.”

-Kenny Powers on teaching

“Obviously, I’m not going to need steroids when I’m in fucking shape. This is just to kick-start the training, dude.”

-Kenny Powers on fitness

“Looking at a bunch of little boys throwing balls, instead of getting on board my shit and seeing what real talent looks like? Well that’s fucking terrific — my business is being a goddamn powerhouse and making millions of bucks.”

-Kenny Powers on business

“Some people say that Kenny Powers is a woman hater. That’s not true - I love women. Every fucking one of them, even the ugly as shit ones. But don’t ask me to trust them. Not even nuns. Because every pair of tits comes with a gaping hole of need that even Kenny Powers can’t fill.”

-Kenny Powers on feminism

“You know what Kenny Powers says? Fundamentals are a crutch for the talentless. This one coach tried to put me on a weight training program. And I was all like “you and your weights can go fuck off somewhere — I am not lifting that shit — it’s heavy.” You tell me why I need strength training when I am strong enough to throw a god damn 100 mile per hour pitch. Fuck that.”

-Kenny Powers on fundamentals

“No, dude. This is a real job. It’s not like teaching kids, you can’t get fucked up.”

-Kenny Powers on teaching

“There’s one image in my life that consistently makes me happy, no matter when I think about it, and that image, that one image is your big tits.”

-Kenny Powers on happiness

“I mean, no offense, but you got a shitty job, you’re not quite as tall as me, nobody really respects you. You have me on the other hand. I got the glory, I got the fame, the money, the jewels, the cash, the Denali. Getting drunk on the reg, fucking good times on the reg, yachts on the reg, sex on the reg... Basically all the shit that most guys fantasize about.”

-Kenny Powers on being Kenny Powers

I've Never Done This Before (Be Gentle)

~

Ok. Well, I guess that nothing about this first entry matters in any way, shape or form. However, never before has that curbed my desire to hear my own voice.

I would take the time to introduce myself, but it seems unnecessary, as you likely fall into one of three categories:

1. You already know me, but you don't really care about what I have to say.
2. You already know me, and are only pretending to care about what I have to say.
3. You neither know me, nor care about what I have to say, therefore my name is irrelevant.

Moreover, since I have a long history of not finishing what I start, I imagine that this entry will be the Alpha and Omega of my blogging epic. So, when you think about it, do you really need to know me?

But, since I started this blog to help pass the long hours spent overnight at the hospital, and I happen to be currently sitting at a computer at said hospital, I might as well pass time by introducing myself.



My name is Robert.



That is all you get because I don't like talking about myself. Ha! That is a lie. The only reason people start blogs is because they love to talk about themselves. In every blogger's perfect world, he starts each day signing on to find that his page has been viewed a thousand times and each person has left comments rife with adulation. I myself, am constantly bombarded with such adoration, so there is no need for it on this blog.

"Roby, since meeting you, my cancer has subsided."
"Roby, you are so funny and smart. Please bang every female in my family."
"Hey Roby, remember that time you gave me a high five? I'm pregnant now."

See what I mean? This is the life I live.

But now that I have written 200 or so words, I got to wondering why I started this blog in the first place. Although boredom is as good of a reason as any to do anything in life, I feel that this blog could be so much more. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect to recieve a Nobel Prize for the contents of this blog. But If I establish a purpose for maintaining this blog, perhaps it will have more success than my past endeavors (learning guitar...brewing beer...college- I still haven't given up on brewing beer, I just haven't had the time lately. Let's do it Travis). It's time to establish a direction and mission statement for this blog.

If I learned one thing from high school it is how to brainstorm. (Actually, I got really good at it. So good, in-fact, that I would erase all the numbers and bullets from my outline and turn that in as a finished essay for AP American History. God bless football coach/history teachers.) Since my mind thinks in bullet point form, I will start by making a list of things I like.

1. Sports (and most other things that you can win by possessing superior skill, stamina, or hard- headedness).
2. Beer
3. Sex
4. Top-10 Lists
5. Being an asshole.


Now I will cross reference that list with a list of things that I know a lot about (or at least have the arrogance to pretend that I know a lot about):

1. Sports (and most other things that you can win by possessing superior skill, stamina, or hard-headedness).
2. Beer
3. Sex
4. Top-10 Lists
5. Being an asshole.

That was easy. It seems that it only makes sense to write about sports, beer, sex, and being an asshole, all while composing top-ten lists of things within said topics.

Thus begins my first foray into blogging.

Mission Statement: To ensure that every man, woman, and child with an internet connection knows how awesome I am. And if they disagree with me, fuck 'em.