You Can Wonderlic My Balls Capi-tan

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Alert the media! Tim Tebow scored!

...a 22 on the Wonderlic test (out of 50). Just kidding, the media already knows. The scores were leaked via Tweet by Edgar Thompson, a Dolphins beat writer with the Palm Beach Post, and now everybody knows. It seems to be a big deal for a people associated with the NFL Draft. Much was made of Vince Young scoring a 6 in 2005. Even last year, a red flag was raised when Percy Harvin scored a 12. Maybe that is how he chose his jersey number. Incidentally, both players managed to win Rookie of the Year honors. I guess it really only begs one question:

Does the Wonderlic test matter?

I personally don't think so. But in order to get a little perspective, I decided to sample the test. I found two different abbreviated versions of the test online. I scored a 39 on the version ESPN posted on Page 2 a few years ago. I also scored a 45 on this other one I found. Obviously, the results I got were not official in any capacity, or even valid. Nonetheless, it is cool to know that I would make a great NFL player. I mean, that is what my scores mean, right?

The Wonderlic test is given to millions of job applicants each year in professions outside of professional sports. It aims to quantify general mental ability, which is in a sense, the ability to learn. 20 is the average score, which indicates an IQ of 100. The average score for a chemist is 32, and 15 for a warehouse worker (21 for the average NFL player). That makes sense. Chemists are required to be more educated than warehouse workers to perform the functions of their given occupations. I understand why employers test applicants. Intelligence is a good indicator of occupational success in many fields, but mainly because physical attributes play such a small role in most professions. So why does the NFL administer the Wonderlic test when the main criteria for success is physical ability?

Although they have found some trends regarding players positions as they relate to scores, there has been no significant link between a high score and a successful career, or vice versa. Just for fun, here are the average scores by position:

(note: If I was Jemelle Hill, I would probably decry the racism inherent in the testing, but that is a different conversation altogether.) 

Offensive Tackle: 26

Center: 25 

Quarterback: 24

Guard: 23

Tight end: 22

Safety: 19

Middle Linebacker: 19

Cornerback: 18

Wide Reciever: 17

Fullback: 17

Runningback: 16

If there was a position that required a higher Wonderlic score I imagine it would be quarterback. They are required to read defenses, make decisions quickly and adjust on the fly. It is unquestionably the most involved position to play in any sport. Here are some notable scores by quarterbacks:

Ryan Fitzpatrick: 48- Harvard graduate. Finished in 9 minutes. Career backup.

Alex Smith: 40- Biggest QB bust of the decade. 

Eli Manning: 39- Can also lick Oreos faster than his big brother can. 

Matt Leinart: 35- Impressive, considering he was probably drunk.

Tom Brady: 33- *sigh* I guess thats why New England drafted him.

John Beck: 30- *sigh* I guess that's why Miami drafted him.

Brady Quinn: 29- May be a bust, but too early still.

Drew Brees: 28- Best QB in the league. Solid score

Peyton Manning: 28- Best QB in the league. Solid score.

Ryan Leaf: 27- I thought he was dumb. Nope. Just crazy.

Brett Favre: 22- Let's hope Tebow can mimic his career too.

Vince Young: 16- But he got a 6 on his first try. No joke.

Dan Marino: 15- More of a doer, than a thinker.

Terry Bradshaw: 15- "Couldn't spell C-A-T if you spotted him the C and T."

Donovan McNabb: 14- Yet he still manages to avoid INTs.

Jeff George: 10- "A score of 10 is literacy." -C. Wonderlic Jr.

Chris Leak: 8- answered 8 of 12 questions correctly then said "Fuck this. I'm out."

Obviously if Wonderlic scores were indicators of NFL success, Fitzpatrick and Smith would replace Favre and Marino in the Hall of Fame. But as you can plainly see, Wonderlic scores are no better of a predictor of NFL success than the 40-yard dash (Jerry Rice ran a 4.71, Emmitt Smith ran a 4.8). In my estimation, only 10% of the information gathered from all the the cone drills, sprint drills, and aptitude tests actually help measure future success. The reason scouts force players to go through all of the rigmarole is so in the end when the players that they drafted fail, scouts can use these scores as a crutch. When they draft a bust, nobody can say they didn't do their due diligence. 

This year's marquee quarterbacks:

Sam Bradford: 36

Colt McCoy: 25

Jimmy Clausen: 23

Tim Tebow: 22

Let's see how this plays out.

*****

Fun Wonderlic Fact: Frank Gore (who graduated from my high school a year ahead of me) scored a 6. He's Dyslexic. Literally. No pun intended. He took a verbal test later on and scored higher. (That is only the second time in my life when I actually meant it when I said "no pun intended." Practically every time someone says "no pun intended" they do so because they went out of their way to make a pun. Fuckers.)

Before you go, watch this remembering these words Todd McShay uttered less than a month ago: "[Tebow] will not make it in the NFL; I'm sure of it."

Who the Fuck is Oscar, And Why Does He Get A Party?

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Tonight Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin hosted the 82nd Annual Academy Award Show. And since ABC billed  2009 as one the greatest years ever for the film industry, I largely ignored them. I assumed that Avatar would clean up at the Oscars, but it was in-fact The Hurt Locker that won the most awards. That surprised me somewhat because it wasn't in 3-D, and didn't gross three billion dollars. 

Anyways, I noticed that my blog was getting a bit sports-heavy, and although that is not necessarily a bad thing, I like to keep things fresh. So I decided that I would host my own man-version of The Oscars in my head. Let's see if this translates well to my blog. It is worth pointing out that I did not see every movie mentioned herein. In fact, I probably haven't even seen a quarter of them. Regardless, I am gonna pick winners anyway.

Best Actor- Brad Pitt (Inglorious Basterds)- Brad Pitt has a long history of being a solid badass. I can't think of anyone who would be better cast in this role. 

Runner up- Hugh Jackman (X-Men Origins:Wolverine)- Jackman is a man's man (minus the singing and dancing). You gotta love a character whose greatest asset is uncontrollable rage. 

Best Actress*-Sandra Bullock (The Blind Side)- She is the actress in Hollywood that most everyone would marry in a second. That southern belle accent is especially hot on her.

Runner up: Megan Fox (Transformers 2)- From what I understand, she's quite the bitch. But she is a hot bitch, and that's all that really matters.

Best Supporting Actor-Baby Carlos (The Hangover)- "Not at the table, Carlos." 

Runner up- Andy Samberg (I Love You Man)- He plays a homo who can pick up any dude he wants. Quite comical. 

Best Supporting Actress*- Zoe Saldana (Star Trek)- I always thought she was black. I was proud of myself for thinking a black girl was hot. She is hispanic, not black, so I guess I am still racist. 

Runner up Kristen Bell (Couples Retreat)- Veronica Mars is perfect in every way. I never actually saw Couples Retreat, but I imagine she was perfect in this too. It's coming to my mailbox via Netflix as we speak. 

*I don't give five shits about whether or not she knows how to act. I like hot bitches.

Best Special Effects- Avatar- People are saying that James Cameron revolutionized cinema. I don't know about all that, but it was a better attempt at 3-D than Hannah Montana.

Runner Up- District 9- I'm not usually into science fiction, but those were some cool looking aliens.

Best Dynamic Duo- Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law (Sherlock Holmes)- I always thought Sherlock and Watson were supposed to be bitch-ass smart British types. Downy Jr. and Law are a better choice than say...Hugh Grant and Colin Firth. 

Runner up- Paul Rudd and  Jason Segel (I Love You Man)- They fed off each other nicely. Bonus points for Sydney's man-cave and being Rush fans.

Best Athlete Cameo- Mike Tyson (The Hangover)- Probably the greatest athlete cameo of all time. I didn't think anyone would be able to overtake the gorilla drummer as the best use of a Phil Collins song. 

Runner up- Lou Ferrigno (I Love You Man)- I consider bodybuilding a sport, because I don't want that Hulk of a man to kick my ass.

Best Big Titty Performance- Julianna Guill (Friday The 13th)- Holy fucking shit. That's pretty much all I have to say about that (NSFW).

Runner up- Katie Featherson (Paranormal Activity)- She kept me engaged for the whole movie. I was watching intently, hoping she would show me a tit...to no avail

Most Surprisingly Macho Performance- Liam Neeson (Taken)- There were many times in the movie where a punch in the nose or a shot to the chest would have sufficed. He said "fuck that" and gave every one of those motherfuckers two between the eyes.

Clint Eastwood (Gran Torino)- Who knew the old man had it in him. Beating up chinks like it was the 1950s again. 

Best Credits- The Hangover- I'm still not sure how they got away with showing that hooker sucking off Zach Galifianakis in the elevator.

Best Performance by an Actor from The Office- Ed Helms (The Hangover)- "Paging Dr. Faggot." Fun fact: Ed Helms's tooth is removable in real life. It was his idea to remove it for the movie. 

Runner up- BJ Novak (Ingloious Basterds). He makes me want to punch him in the face. So either is a really good actor, or a really big douche bag.

Best Book-Turned-Movie- Where The Wild Things Are- I loved this book as a kid. Max reminds me of me. "I'll eat you up!" 'Nuff said.

Honorable Mention-Watchmen- A comic book counts as a book, right?

Best "That's A Huge Bitch!" Performance- Mo'Nique (Precious)- That was, in-fact a huge bitch. 

Runner up- Tyler Perry (Tyler Perry's Madea Goes To Jail).

Best Cop Movie- Baul Blart: Mall Cop- Never before has a Segway been so prominently featured in an action movie. I approve.

Runner up- Observe And Report- It's the same fucking movie. This reminds me of 1998 when Armageddon and Deep Impact came out within a month of each other...which reminded me of 1997 when Dante's Peak and Volcano came out within two months of each other...which reminded me of 1994 when Tombstone and Wyatt Earp came out within 6 months of each other. (When Googling images for this post, I found a blog that basically said this same thing. And here I'm thinking I'm clever for noticing these things).

Best Movie Your Girlfriend Picked- Public Enemies- I am pretty confident that there is not a woman alive who doesn't get wet at the mere mention of Johnny Depp's name. Throw in Channing Tatum, and you have a flood in the movie theater.

Runner Up- Sherlock Holmes- Ditto on this one. Girls love Jude Law. It is nice to see RDJ take a break from hookers and blow to do a little acting.

Best Movie You Won't Take Your Mom To See- Bruno- Unless of course you mom loves movies about dick, balls and gays. (I can't give you links because I am at work).

Runner up- Inglorious Basterds- Would your mom really want to see any Quentin Tarantino movie?

There you go. Get out of my face.

The Draft

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It seems that everybody and their mothers are dissecting, analyzing, and prognosticating Tim Tebow's draft prospects. Enough people have put their two cents in that Timmy could fill his abortion jar 100 times over. But I digress. They have a million questions about Tebow, and are trying desperately to answer them before the end of the month. Will he be able to fix his throwing motion? Is he going to be another Alex Smith? Is he going to play tight end? With all the question marks surrounding him, it's a wonder how he managed to help the Gators win 48 games (35 as a starter), win two BCS National Titles, and capture a Heisman Trophy. With all that success, he has become a polarizing figure. It is safe to say that there has never been a more captivating college athlete. I guess that explains all the questions.

The NFL has become a machine. It is America's most popular sport, and far and away its most successful professional league. With the help of ESPN (and assholes like me who never change the channel), The NFL has become a year-round event. The day after the Super Bowl, pundits were already ranking teams for 2010, evaluating off-season personnel needs*, and speculating on free agent signings. The crown jewel for the NFL off-season is The Draft. With the draft comes the pre-draft meat market some refer to as "The NFL Combine."

* I realize that this image is not relevant in any way, but I stumbled upon it while Googling "2010 NFL Draft." She is hot. That is enough reason for me.

The combine takes place every spring about a month before the draft. The point of it is to quantify the things we think we know, thus guaranteeing that the Raiders will draft a big, strong, fast player who is incapable of actually playing football. My favorite part about the combine is how "experts" use the results of the drills to reinforce what they previously believed, or refute what they thought they knew after watching a player week in and week out on the field every Saturday for four years. It is a fantastic waste of money. But then again, it is the NFL, and they print their own money there. (You like that Brady Dollar? I just did that myself on the fly. I'm a fucking internet stallion. Boom!). The thing that gets me about the draft is that I can't think of a situation in the real world where past accomplishments are thrown out the window, and scored from completely unrelated tasks are the standard. How is this line of thinking valid, or acceptable?

Interviewer: "...Let's look at your work experience. It says here you were a high school janit-

Wannabe Employee: "Custodian...I was a custodian."

Interviewer: "Ok. Custodian. And you were the assistant to the regional manager at McDonald's."

Wannabe Employee:   "Something like that."

Interviewer: "Thanks for your interest. I think I have seen enough."

Wannabe Employee: "Check me out. I can juggle."

Interviewer: "...enough to know that you are management material. Welcome to the company!"

Now here is Tim Tebow. All he has done the last four years is give everything he has for Gator Nation. He has gotten excellent (at times historic) results. Anyone you ask gives glowing reports about Tebow the man, the teammate, the competitor, and the winner. Then you have Todd McShay's assessment: "[Tebow] will not make it in the NFL; I'm sure of it." I feel it necessary to point out that McShay also gave a glowing endorsement of JaMarcus Russell. Idiot.

Unfortunately for Tebow, the NFL is full of sheep, and they will continue banking on Ryan Leafs and pass up players like Tebow, that don't fit the NFL mold because that is just the way things are done. I hope Tebow steps right in, lights up the league and wins multiple Super Bowls. Partly because I am a Gator fan, but mostly because I hate everybody. And everybody includes all those "experts" out there who don't know shit, yet think their word is absolute truth.