Tonight Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin hosted the 82nd Annual Academy Award Show. And since ABC billed 2009 as one the greatest years ever for the film industry, I largely ignored them. I assumed that Avatar would clean up at the Oscars, but it was in-fact The Hurt Locker that won the most awards. That surprised me somewhat because it wasn't in 3-D, and didn't gross three billion dollars.
Anyways, I noticed that my blog was getting a bit sports-heavy, and although that is not necessarily a bad thing, I like to keep things fresh. So I decided that I would host my own man-version of The Oscars in my head. Let's see if this translates well to my blog. It is worth pointing out that I did not see every movie mentioned herein. In fact, I probably haven't even seen a quarter of them. Regardless, I am gonna pick winners anyway.
Best Actor- Brad Pitt (Inglorious Basterds)- Brad Pitt has a long history of being a solid badass. I can't think of anyone who would be better cast in this role.
Runner up- Hugh Jackman (X-Men Origins:Wolverine)- Jackman is a man's man (minus the singing and dancing). You gotta love a character whose greatest asset is uncontrollable rage.
Best Actress*-Sandra Bullock (The Blind Side)- She is the actress in Hollywood that most everyone would marry in a second. That southern belle accent is especially hot on her.
Runner up: Megan Fox (Transformers 2)- From what I understand, she's quite the bitch. But she is a hot bitch, and that's all that really matters.
Best Supporting Actor-Baby Carlos (The Hangover)- "Not at the table, Carlos."
Runner up- Andy Samberg (I Love You Man)- He plays a homo who can pick up any dude he wants. Quite comical.
Best Supporting Actress*- Zoe Saldana (Star Trek)- I always thought she was black. I was proud of myself for thinking a black girl was hot. She is hispanic, not black, so I guess I am still racist.
Runner up Kristen Bell (Couples Retreat)- Veronica Mars is perfect in every way. I never actually saw Couples Retreat, but I imagine she was perfect in this too. It's coming to my mailbox via Netflix as we speak.
*I don't give five shits about whether or not she knows how to act. I like hot bitches.
Best Special Effects- Avatar- People are saying that James Cameron revolutionized cinema. I don't know about all that, but it was a better attempt at 3-D than Hannah Montana.
Runner Up- District 9- I'm not usually into science fiction, but those were some cool looking aliens.
Best Dynamic Duo- Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law (Sherlock Holmes)- I always thought Sherlock and Watson were supposed to be bitch-ass smart British types. Downy Jr. and Law are a better choice than say...Hugh Grant and Colin Firth.
Runner up- Paul Rudd and Jason Segel (I Love You Man)- They fed off each other nicely. Bonus points for Sydney's man-cave and being Rush fans.
Best Athlete Cameo- Mike Tyson (The Hangover)- Probably the greatest athlete cameo of all time. I didn't think anyone would be able to overtake the gorilla drummer as the best use of a Phil Collins song.
Runner up- Lou Ferrigno (I Love You Man)- I consider bodybuilding a sport, because I don't want that Hulk of a man to kick my ass.
Best Big Titty Performance- Julianna Guill (Friday The 13th)- Holy fucking shit. That's pretty much all I have to say about that (NSFW).
Runner up- Katie Featherson (Paranormal Activity)- She kept me engaged for the whole movie. I was watching intently, hoping she would show me a tit...to no avail
Most Surprisingly Macho Performance- Liam Neeson (Taken)- There were many times in the movie where a punch in the nose or a shot to the chest would have sufficed. He said "fuck that" and gave every one of those motherfuckers two between the eyes.
Clint Eastwood (Gran Torino)- Who knew the old man had it in him. Beating up chinks like it was the 1950s again.
Best Credits- The Hangover- I'm still not sure how they got away with showing that hooker sucking off Zach Galifianakis in the elevator.
Best Performance by an Actor from The Office- Ed Helms (The Hangover)- "Paging Dr. Faggot." Fun fact: Ed Helms's tooth is removable in real life. It was his idea to remove it for the movie.
Runner up- BJ Novak (Ingloious Basterds). He makes me want to punch him in the face. So either is a really good actor, or a really big douche bag.
Best Book-Turned-Movie- Where The Wild Things Are- I loved this book as a kid. Max reminds me of me. "I'll eat you up!" 'Nuff said.
Honorable Mention-Watchmen- A comic book counts as a book, right?
Best "That's A Huge Bitch!" Performance- Mo'Nique (Precious)- That was, in-fact a huge bitch.
Runner up- Tyler Perry (Tyler Perry's Madea Goes To Jail).
Best Cop Movie- Baul Blart: Mall Cop- Never before has a Segway been so prominently featured in an action movie. I approve.
Runner up- Observe And Report- It's the same fucking movie. This reminds me of 1998 when Armageddon and Deep Impact came out within a month of each other...which reminded me of 1997 when Dante's Peak and Volcano came out within two months of each other...which reminded me of 1994 when Tombstone and Wyatt Earp came out within 6 months of each other. (When Googling images for this post, I found a blog that basically said this same thing. And here I'm thinking I'm clever for noticing these things).
Best Movie Your Girlfriend Picked- Public Enemies- I am pretty confident that there is not a woman alive who doesn't get wet at the mere mention of Johnny Depp's name. Throw in Channing Tatum, and you have a flood in the movie theater.
Runner Up- Sherlock Holmes- Ditto on this one. Girls love Jude Law. It is nice to see RDJ take a break from hookers and blow to do a little acting.
Best Movie You Won't Take Your Mom To See- Bruno- Unless of course you mom loves movies about dick, balls and gays. (I can't give you links because I am at work).
Runner up- Inglorious Basterds- Would your mom really want to see any Quentin Tarantino movie?
There you go. Get out of my face.
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