I'm Gumby Dammit!

~
I was on the Netflix website the other day browsing movies. I was going through rating movies so Netflix would know my preferences. Based on my preferences, the program decided that I should watch "Daddy Day Care." I was dumbfounded as to why  they would recommend that crap, but then I realized it was because I gave five stars to "Adventures In Babysitting", and "Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead". I didn't waste my time watching it, but it did remind me how far Eddie Muprhy has fallen. This was the guy who, at just 22 years-old, produced the one of the all-time great stand-up performance in "Delirious". He was a mainstay on SNL during some its best years, and starred in some great movies including "48 Hours", "Trading Places", and my personal favorite, "Coming To America". To go from that to "Pluto Nash", and "Norbit" is just disappointing. His singing career was absolutely ridiculous, but you have to give him a pass because "Party All The Time" had one thing all those other shitty-songs-released-by-self-indulgent-mediocre-actors* didn't have...Rick James.

No matter how much garbage he continues to put out,  I will always remember him as the comedic genius that  he was in the 80's. Short and sweet, I will leave you with the good, the bad, and the ugly of Eddie Murphy's career.

* I am referring to Patrick Swayze (RIP), Bruce Willis, and Don Johnson.

You’re Fucking Out. I’m Fucking In.

~

I was looking back on my first post and was reminded why I started this blog; to talk about sports, sex, beer, being an asshole, and lists. I then realized that I could kill 5 birds with the 101 MPH fireball that Kenny Powers. That sexual-ass motherfucker drinks Miller High Life like it was water, and treats women like his personal fuck dolls. He’s a fucking champion in baseball and in life (plus he has a sweet-ass jet-ski). Without further ado, here are some words of wisdom from the first season of Eastbound and Down.

“If there's one thing I hate, it's losing. If there's two things I hate, it's losing and getting cancer.”

-Kenny Powers on losing

“Sure I've been called a xenophobe, but the truth is I'm not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and all the other countries aren't as good. That used to be called patriotism.”

­-Kenny Powers on patriotism

“I got a dental dam in the glove compartment.- It's a rubber for your mouth, it's not that big of a deal, ok? And besides, it's not just for my protection, you don't know what shit I got either.”

-Kenny Powers on safe sex

“I've been blessed with many things in this life. An arm like a fucking rocket, a dick like a burmese python, and the mind of a fucking scientist.”

­-Kenny Powers on being thankful

“Listen here you beautiful bitch, I'm about to fuck you up with some truth.”

-Kenny Powers on honesty

“No actually I don't. I play real sports, not tryin’ to be the best at exercising.”

-Kenny Powers on triathlons

“Do not stare at me with those dead eyes, you church bitch!”

-Kenny Powers on religion

“You know, that's how the plague started back in the day. From a little disgusting bird bath in someone's back yard, and rats made sex to birds in it and created a whole new type of AIDS.”

-Kenny Powers on history

“I don't mean to break up a good time here, but I just saw two boys raping a sixth grader. Ya, ya, I'm just kidding.”

-Kenny Powers on teamwork

“You wanna know about relationships? I know all there is to know. Just ask my second wife Tina. Ya she was a stripper, and if Montel Williams wants to talk shit some more then he can go fuck himself because those charges were dropped.”

-Kenny Powers on relationships

“You mean Jew York? It’s friggin great. I gotta tell ya, I thought the blacks in Baltimore were bad. Shit, they're nothing compared to these fags you got here in San Francisco. Heh heh.”

-Kenny Powers on diversity

“What did I tell you? I said put something nice on, you look like a busted Daytona stripper in that shit.”

-Kenny Powers on fashion

“All right you stoic little bastard. In the computer room, little second drawer where I keep my weed, underneath the handgun, there's a stack of porn that'll put calluses on those little hands of yours.”

-Kenny Powers on parenting

“Smashing a brick through a fucking dude’s window is nothing compared to the things I’ve done. I’ve killed people.”

-Kenny Powers on mischief

“You were driving because you are my assistant. And that’s what my assistant does - he drives me around when I get shit-hammered.”

-Kenny Powers on drinking responsibly

“Are you ready to learn some next level shit? From this moment on you guys are no longer little kids — you are cold calculated murderers. This is the mindset you’ve got to be in if you want to be a champion.”

-Kenny Powers on teaching

“Obviously, I’m not going to need steroids when I’m in fucking shape. This is just to kick-start the training, dude.”

-Kenny Powers on fitness

“Looking at a bunch of little boys throwing balls, instead of getting on board my shit and seeing what real talent looks like? Well that’s fucking terrific — my business is being a goddamn powerhouse and making millions of bucks.”

-Kenny Powers on business

“Some people say that Kenny Powers is a woman hater. That’s not true - I love women. Every fucking one of them, even the ugly as shit ones. But don’t ask me to trust them. Not even nuns. Because every pair of tits comes with a gaping hole of need that even Kenny Powers can’t fill.”

-Kenny Powers on feminism

“You know what Kenny Powers says? Fundamentals are a crutch for the talentless. This one coach tried to put me on a weight training program. And I was all like “you and your weights can go fuck off somewhere — I am not lifting that shit — it’s heavy.” You tell me why I need strength training when I am strong enough to throw a god damn 100 mile per hour pitch. Fuck that.”

-Kenny Powers on fundamentals

“No, dude. This is a real job. It’s not like teaching kids, you can’t get fucked up.”

-Kenny Powers on teaching

“There’s one image in my life that consistently makes me happy, no matter when I think about it, and that image, that one image is your big tits.”

-Kenny Powers on happiness

“I mean, no offense, but you got a shitty job, you’re not quite as tall as me, nobody really respects you. You have me on the other hand. I got the glory, I got the fame, the money, the jewels, the cash, the Denali. Getting drunk on the reg, fucking good times on the reg, yachts on the reg, sex on the reg... Basically all the shit that most guys fantasize about.”

-Kenny Powers on being Kenny Powers

Thurman Merman is Fucking Stallion

~
Well, It's that time of year again, and ABC Family is a solid week into their "25 Days of Christmas" shitty movie marathon. They have already shown such winners as "The Dog Who Saved Christmas," as well as "Holiday in Handcuffs," Both of which star A.C.Slater. We should thank him for taking time out of his busy schedule of doing absolutely nothing to film these epic movies. It makes me yearn for the days when J.T.T. was making Christmas movies. Inexplicably, all four Harry Potter movies are on the "25 Days..." lineup. Somewhere there is a link between the birth of Christ, and wizardry, but I can't seem to find it. Besidess, Hermione is legal now, so there is really no reason to watch Harry Potter anyway.

Since we are going to continue to be bombarded with sub-par Christmas movies for the remainder of the month, I started thinking about the few good ones that they have made over the years. For all you movie-lovers out there, I have compiled a list of the ten best Christmas movies of all time.

10. The Santa Clause (1994)- Kinda cheesy, but I liked it. They took the cliche' (bah humbugger learns to love Christmas) and made it work by killing off Santa. Plus Judge Reinhold rocks the Cosby sweater like a sexual deviant.

9. The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)- There was always an inherent genius in anything Henson produced. That sentiment was magnified when he made Charles Dickens tolerable. Gonzo's nose looks like a smurf dick.

8. Die Hard (1988)- I guess it isn't really a Christmas movie per se, but it does take place on Christmas eve. Besides, any top-ten movie list that doesn't include Die Hard has no credibility, so I had to include it.

7. Jingle All The Way (1996)- Any movie with The Governator, Phil Hartman (most underrated comedian of all time), and Sinbad (the most windbreaker-clad comedian of all time) deserves a spot on this list. It's turbo time motherfuckers!

6. A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)- You can't fuck with a classic like this. Charlie Brown and his sorry piece of shit tree are still the #1 underdogs of all time.

5. Scrooged (1988)- Vintage Bill Murray. This movie taught me how to be a dick to everybody.That's learning from the best. Goulet!...has a cameo in this bitch. 'Nuff said.

4. Home Alone (1990)- This is the bad son before he went "Good." This is Pesci's most badass role since Goodfellas. In fact, he filmed these roles simultaneously, removing that sweet wig for Home Alone.

3. A Christmas Story (1983)- This movie is so good, TBS plays that shit for 24 straight hours. After this movie was released, instances of kids shooting their eyes out dropped 88%.

2. Bad Santa (2003)- Midgets, drunkenness, and the mom from Gilmore Girls. What more do you faggots need?

1. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989)- Not only is it the best Christmas movie, it is the best Vacation movie. I don't care what any of you fucks say, Chevy Chase is a goddamn genius. And Randy Quaid is a god.

It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year (Keg Week)

~

Some of the great discoveries of the modern world happened on accident; Velcro, Viagra, and even abortions. Isn't serendipity grand? Sometimes opportunity knocks ever so lightly that it takes a special kind of pioneer to heed the call to greatness, and recognize the chance they have been presented. Around this time some four years ago, a motley crew consisting of alcoholics, vagrants, thieves, and a few Ocala residents heeded that call when they stumbled upon one of the greatest discoveries in the history of mankind...

Keg Week.

Since my memory of how it all went down is a bit unclear, I have asked Suggs to do the honors.

It was early one Saturday morning, December 10, 2005 to be exact and Bennigan's was having its yearly staff meeting. I woke up early and was still smashed from the night before. I decided the obvious choice was to begin my day with a few vodka shots. So I did a few while I waited for Luke Bessey to pick me up to give me a ride to the meeting. I greeted his Silly ass with a shot of well vodka. We proceeded to the meeting where I met up with among other people Nikki and Adam. While Roby was being given positions like "Marketing Manager" (and yes it requires "quotes" as it was a make believe position that afforded Roby the luxury of watching movies, banging his girlfriend, and sleeping, all while making $10 an hour. Kevin is such a fucking idiot.), Nikki, Adam, and I were drinking through the meeting. The three of us then opened the restaurant along with Craig on day-bar and Louise was "Key" (another bogus position, but then again, what fun would it be working there if the inmates weren't running the asylum) . Unfortunately for Louise, she spent the entire shift throwing up. Fortunately for us, Louise spent the entire shift throwing up, leaving us free to drink through said shift with no repercussions (True story: when typing this, I had to ask how to spell "repercussions" because I have never used that word before). As our shift came to a close, I was drunk and remarked that I had no intention of losing that feeling, and we should continue drinking together until a.) our livers give out, b.) we run out of money, or c.) Kash and Karry runs out of beer. The decision was made to get a keg. I had to work a double, so Adam and Nikki bought the keg. After the night shift I met them at Adam's apartment and we had over most of the Bennigans staff as well as enough others to make it a good-sized crowd.

The next day I was working a night shift when Nikki and Adam came into the restaurant to see if I was ready to start drinking. As he finished his sentence, Adam said "I should have said continue drinking" as he saw my flask (aka plastic Propel bottle) in my right hand. They waited for me to get off work and then we went and purchased another keg and headed to Nikki's house for night #2. Monday morning me and Adam had to open the restaurant. Nikki called at 11 am to let me know that she was finishing the keg from the night before and trying to get her roommate to drink it with her. Meanwhile, the computers crashed so we had to manually order everything and write checks with no way to verify anything other than some alcoholic crackhead cooks... needless to say, we made a fuck ton of money and drank an equally large amount of free liquor. After work, we went over to Nikki's house to help her polish off the the keg, we looked around and decided that something was missing. So we went and got another keg. That's how day # 3 started.

And so the legend of keg week began. Keg week continued each night for the rest of the week. I like to think it would have continued for life, but people had to go home for the holidays. It was never a plan that first week. Each night we just got together and decided to get another keg. There was always cause for it, and the premise was simple. Get a keg, and everyone pitches in $5 for a cup. Sometimes we collected enough to buy a bottle too, and other times we didn't cover the cost to the keg. It was awesome either way. The party was at a different location each night. Whoever had the party at their house drank for free that night. It was a great time. Mike, Lexy V, John Webb, Chris Z, Anthony, Patricia, Louise, Dave, Sara, Jenna, John Vincent, Donaldo, Sandy, Nunez, Jodi, Danny, Craig, and Henkel (and some of his henchmen) rounded out the bunch.

Keg Week changed all of our lives, Adam fell in love with Patricia and started dating her a week after Keg Week- they're married now. Nikki and I became roommates after Keg Week and are still best friends. I continued keg week the following year and then the next year Roby and Zupo took it up with me and the three of us carried the tradition on with our old friends as well as the new ones we made at various shitty restaurants around town. Sadly, after the third year, like a supernova, Keg Week faded out. It lives on however, in our heart, minds, and deteriorated livers. Someday, somewhere, somebody is going to revive the tradition of Keg Week. I just hope I am there to see it.

Bye-Bye Bobby (Daggummit!)

~

Bobby Bowden announced yesterday that he will retire at season's end. That doesn't come as much of a surprise considering the pressure he was receiving from FSU president T.K. Wetherell, and athletic director Randy Spetman. I am one of those people who said he has earned the right to retire whenever he wanted. How could you not extend that courtesy to the man who built the FSU football program into what it is today?

Imagine this scenario: The year is 1975, you are the athletic director of a school whose football program has won four games in the previous three years combined. You are looking to hire a new football coach to take over next season. In walks Bobby Bowden, a coach who had 9 winning seasons out of his 10 as a head coach. He makes the following offer: "Listen here. If y'all hire me, this is what I'll do for ya. I will coach for 34 years, and only the first will have more losses than wins. Within two years, I'll get this team to win 10 games and a bowl game. 'Fore long, I'll get my boys to win 11 straight bowl games. This program will become one of the elite programs in the whole daggum country. We will win two National Championships, and spend a 14 year stretch finishing in the top 5 of the AP poll. And by golly, this program will be infinitely stronger than when I walked in here today. There is one catch though: three of my last four seasons here will end with FSU unranked in the AP poll. Whadda ya say?"

Do you take it? Damn right you do. Anyone with half a brain would take it. That is why I find it so mind-boggling (and frankly, disappointing) that the powers-that-be at FSU have so quickly forgotten that Bowden did more for the entire university than any other man before him. If you think his impact was only on the field you are clueless. His football success brought the national visibility and income to help FSU grow by leaps and bounds as an educational institution.

Here is some perspective on how great Bobby Bowden actually was at FSU. 1987-2000 was his best stretch, and arguably the most dominant in college football history, here is a quick comparison against the 10 other most prestigious programs in college football:

Total Domination

We will NEVER see a stretch like that again in college football. EVER. One thing that is particularly telling is the bowl streak. Give Bowden a few weeks to prepare, and the opposition doesn't stand a chance. His overall bowl record was 21-10-1.

Coaching Accomplishments:

~ 2nd most coaching victories in Division 1-A with 388 (Joe Paterno 392) .

~ One of three active coaches elected to the College Football Hall of Fame.

~ National Coach of the Year award winner in '79, '80, '91, '96, '99.

~ Coached the Seminoles to 2 national titles ('93, '99).

~ 1999 Seminoles were the only team to spend every week of the season at #1 on the AP poll.

~ Set NCAA record with 11 consecutive bowl victories (14 consecutive without a loss).

~ Led Seminoles to 28 consecutive bowl games (Longest streak in NCAA).

~ Played for a National Title 5 times since 1993.

~ Led Seminoles to 6 BCS bowl games (2nd most).

~ 41 winning seasons out of 43 years as a head coach.

After 33 years of such success, people associated with Bobby Bowden and the Seminoles have become spoiled. After getting to the pinnacle of collegiate football success, how do you stomach three seasons of less than 8 wins? Why would you settle for anything less than the delicious taste of contending for a national title every year? It's simple. You do it for the same reason you wear that goofy-looking reindeer sweater that Mima crocheted for you for Christmas when you were 17. You do it because no matter how many times Pop-Pop called you John-Roby-John, it can never come close to being as important as all the things he did for you growing up. You do it because without him, there is no way you would have become the man you are today.

Now that he is gone, you are still getting called by the wrong name. But now it is by your asshole boss who is calling you "Rodney"; only, he never even knew your name in the first place.