Jukebox Heroes

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With the 2009 NFL season coming to an end, I wanted to creatively recap the season. Imagine the NFL was a giant Jukebox. Here are the songs I chose that represent the state of each team this season, as well as moving forward. Away we go.

Arizona Cardinals- "The Times They Are A-Changin'" by Bob Dylan- For the loser now will be later to win, the times they are a-changin'. After getting one lousy playoff win in 60 years, Arizona has won four in the last two years. These perennial losers are poised to stay relevant for the next few years...if Matt Leinart can get his head out of his ass and take the reins from Warner.

Atlanta Falcons- "The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades" by Timbuk 3- A solid young team lead by one of the most polished 24-year-old quarterbacks you will ever see. I see a decade's worth of 10-win seasons.

Baltimore Ravens- "Learning to Fly" by Tom Petty- After years of offensive incompetence, especially in the passing game, Joe Flacco had the Ravens's offense flying high (or at least functional for once).

Buffalo Bills- "Somebody Nobody Wants" by Dion- Everybody I see seems to have someone but me. When did coaching the Bills become the worst job in the NFL? Everybody keeps turning down the head coaching position. They may have to hire Jim Kelly or something.

Carolina Panthers- "Drunk Drivin'" by Sublime- Every game was a wreck waiting to happen. Like driving drunk, disaster isn't guaranteed, but when Delhomme crashes, it's a 10-car pile up.

Chicago Bears- "Same Old Song and Dance" by Aerosmith- In the last 17 years, Chicago has had 13 different quarterbacks lead the team in passing. None can be described as "successful". Same shit, different year.

Cincinnati Bengals- "I'm Still Standing" by Elton John- One of the toughest teams you will see. Battled their own history, injuries, and tragedy (twice) to make it to the playoffs. Good showing by "the-team-formerly-known-as-the-Bungles."

Cleveland Browns- "I Wanna Rock (Doo Doo Brown)" by Luke- The Browns are shit. That's about the only relevance here.

Dallas Cowboys- "Glamorous" by Fergie- Once again, The 'Boys are America's glamor team, yet still can't win anything significant. At least they ended the playoff win drought.

Denver Broncos- "Free Fallin'" by Tom Petty- For the second straight year, they choked away the division. The reason this isn't the Giants' song is because they played better competition.

Detroit Lions- "Loser" by Beck- Soy un perdidor. I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me? If only we could.

Green Bay Packers- "The Best is Yet to Come" by Frank Sinatra- They are again the youngest NFL team, and have a solid foundation to be legit contender for the next decade.

Houston Texans- "Keep A-Knocking" by Jordan Louis- Each of the past three seasons, the Texans were expected to make the jump to contender status. Each of the past three seasons, they have fallen short. They are good, but just seem to lack the killer instinct.

Indianapolis Colts- "Nobody's Perfect" by Hannah Montana- But I wish they would have had enough pride to try to be.

Jacksonville Jaguars- "We Gotta Get Out of This Place" by The Animals- After failing to sell out their first 9 games of the year (two pre-season), The Jags need a fan base that will come out to their games. Next stop, L.A.

Kansas City Chiefs- "The Boys are Back in Town" by Thin Lizzy- It's a different town, but they are getting the band back together. GM Scott Pioli is trying to relive the Patriots glory days in K.C by hiring Todd Haley (HC), Matt Cassell (QB), Romeo Crennel (DC) and Charlie Weis (OC). Only time will tell how this experiment goes.

Miami Dolphins- "Hanging Around" by the Counting Crows, and "Black and White" by Three Dog Night- Only two of their games were decided by more than 12 points (Buffalo twice). They dominated much of their games against the Colts and Saints, yet came away empty-handed both times. Through 11 games, they gave up 134 fourth quarter points (12 per game), yet only gave up 6 fourth quarter points in the last five games combined. Weird season for the 'Fins.

Minnesota Vikings- "You Can Make History (Young Again)" by Elton John- In an attempt to break through and finally win a Super Bowl, Minnesota had 40-year-old Brett Favre playing like he was 25 again.

New England Patriots- "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) by Green Day" The Patriots' reign of dominance is over. After owning the 00's, New England has failed to win a playoff game in the last two years, and are no longer feared. To some people, it was fun while it lasted.

New Orleans Saints- "Bridge Over Troubled Water" by Simon and Garfunkel - When you're down and out, when you are on the street, when evening falls so hard, I will comfort you. The city of New Orleans has attached itself to the Saints like nothing I have ever seen before. In turn, Brees and the Saints have pulled them up off and dusted them off.

New York Giants- "Hot and Cold" by Katy Perry- This team was an enigma. After five games, it was all but guaranteed that they would be representing the NFC in the Super Bowl. They looked fantastic. Then they proceeded to lose four straight. For a team that prides itself on defense, they were a disappointment, finishing 30th in scoring defense. With the playoffs well within reach, they ended the season by surrendering 40+ in three of the last four games. Ouch.

New York Jets- "We're Only Gonna Die For Our Own Arrogance" by Sublime- Easily the most arrogant team in the league. Usually you have to accomplish something to be that way. Not for Rex Ryan and the rest of those assholes. Nothing is worse than watching the Jets play in January, especially since they didn't earn it. At least the Dolphins swept them to make it 3 in a row. Fuck the Jets.

Oakland Raiders- "Highway to Hell" by AC/DC- Widely considered the worst job in the NFL, it is coaching purgatory. As Callahan, Turner, Shell, Kiffin, and Cable have learned, it's now practically impossible to win more than 5 games under the Crypt Keeper.

Philadelphia Eagles- "Life in the Fast Lane" by The Eagles- League's 5th best offense that led the league in big plays came to a crashing halt in a week 17 shutout in Dallas. Didn't get much better in the wildcard rematch in Big D. Three of their four lowest point totals came in losses against the 'Boys. Ouch.

Pittsburgh Steelers- "Mad World" by Tears For Fears- In what bizarro world do the perennially tough-as-nails Steelers have a 4,000 yard passer, go 2-5 in games decided by a field goal, and lose to K.C, Oakland, and Cleveland in the span of 19 days? Terribly un-inspired season by the Steelers.

San Diego Chargers- "What Hurts The Most" by Rascal Flatts- Probably the most consistently talented teams of the last 5 or so years, yet they can't quite put it all together. Most teams don't get a Super Bowl window this big.

San Fransisco 49ers- "Like Father Like Son" by Lil' Wayne- Lil' Wizzle but you bitches call me first place. Poppa taught me paper chase, never skirt chase. Word. Honestly, I have no idea if that lyric is relevant. I just wanted to note that the 49ers have taken adopted the identity of their head coach. They are "Singletary tough." Their defense held 6 opponents to single digit scoring. Impressive no matter who you play against.

Seattle Seahawks- "I Disappear" by Metallica- Probably the most forgettable season in recent years. No memorable performances, no memorable plays; they were just there. A whole lot of blah. Their whole season was one long nap.

St. Louis Rams-"Help!" by The Beatles- They need it. Especially Steven Jackson who shouldered the entire offensive load this season. They can't afford to waste a back that talented who is still in his prime.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers- "Colorblind" by Counting Crows- Freeman couldn't seem to throw the ball to the right team. As a team, the Bucs threw 29 interceptions. All remnants of Dungy's team are gone, and the Bucs are in danger of slipping back into their old ways of the Creamsicle days.

Tennessee Titans- "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin- Very slow start (0-6), then Paige (Vince Young) comes in with one of the great guitar solos of all-time. They narrowly missed becoming the first team to make the playoffs after starting with 6 straight losses.

Washington Redskins- "Can't Buy Me Love" by The Beatles- Every year they are the big free agency "winners," yet come November are out of the race. The love has been lost in Washington, as the Redskins are only the 17th most popular NFL team.

Cold Hard Bullshit

I was on the Cold Hard Football Facts (CHFF) website the other day, and I found an article by an obvious Marino hater. First and foremost, it is only right that I let you know how I feel about Dan Marino and the Miami Dolphins. I grew up in Miami, and was born during Marino's rookie year. He was my boyhood idol, and could argue till I was blue in the face that he was the greatest athlete, and the Dolphins were the greatest team in the history of sport (Shula is NFL's best football coach ever. That one is not debatable). Unfortunately, I grew up (kinda). I still love the Dolphins, but can concede that the Steelers and Cowboys are a stronger franchises. And I know that there is no concrete determination as to who is the NFL's all-time greatest quarterback.

To examine whether or not this guy's article has any sort of validity, I am going to break down the accuracy and relevance of some of the statements he made. That is your cue to read the article, if you have twice ignored the links I posted.

I am sure you have all heard the phrase "the numbers don't lie." Chances are, the person who you heard it from just got done lying to you through cleverly fabricated statistics. Numbers can be made to say just about anything you want them to. That is why I find much of what this article says is absurd. The point of this post is not to prove that Marino is the greatest QB of all-time, it is to refute the assertion that Dan Marino was "the real reason Miami never won a Super Bowl in the 80's and 90's." 

To say that a particular team or player should win a Super Bowl is shortsighted at best. While there are a few teams each year that could win it all, nothing in this league is guaranteed, and there are a lot of things that have to come together to win a Super Bowl. Let's examine the assertion that Dan Marino should have won a Super Bowl in his career. To do so, you must first understand what it takes to win a Super Bowl; or more accurately, what it took to win a Super Bowl from 1983-1999.

Defense
A good defense is vital to winning championships. During Marino's career, Super Bowl winners have averaged the 4th best scoring defense. Only one of those teams ranked outside the top 8 (Raiders 1983, 13th). So it is fairly safe to say "you had to have a top 8 scoring defense to win a Super Bowl." By that standard, Marino played on only 4 teams with defenses good enough to win the Super Bowl ('83, '84, '90, '98).

CHFF argues that Marino played on teams with defenses strong enough to win a Super Bowl. While that statement in itself is factual, having the top ranked defense does not guarantee a Super Bowl victory. Only 4 out of the top-ranked defenses won the Super Bowl during Marino's career. Miami twice boasted the league's top-ranked scoring defense during Marino's tenure, his rookie year ('83) and his penultimate season  ('98). A defense, no matter how good it is, needs some help.

Rushing Offense
You are not going to find many successful teams that run the ball poorly. During the period in question, the average rushing offense for Super Bowl winners was ranked 5th in the league, with no team finishing outside the top 11. Miami on the other hand never finished higher than 13th in the league in rushing. Seems awfully hard to win a championship like that.

Sometimes total rushing yards tells you how often a team rushes, not necessarily how efficient they are at it. For argument's sake let's look at the yards per carry (YPC) stats for the Super Bowl winners. They have ranked an average of 8th in YPC, and all but two of them finished in the top half of the league. So would you say it is fair to say "to win a Super Bowl, one must be among the top half of the league of rushing efficiency?" That is not a lofty standard by any means. Unfortunately, Marino's Dolphins finished in the top half of that category only three times in his career ('86, '87, '94).

Five out six SB winners who finished outside the top ten in rushing YPC had a top-3 defense to help counteract their average running game. That said, I conclude that "to win with an average running game, you must have a top-3 defense." Marino could only wish for an average rushing attack to help him out, much less a good one. Only 5 of his 17 seasons did he have a rushing attack that could even be considered "average" (better than 20th).

Balance

The adage that says "defense wins championships" is only half-true. The other half should say "rushing wins championships" because you can't win in January without both. When the temperature drops, and snow starts falling, you have to be able to run the football if you are going to have success. In the playoffs, teams that throw the ball 45 times in a game are 11-60 all-time (.154 win pct.). When a team throws the ball 40 times, they are 29-117 (.198 win pct.). Conversely, teams are unbeaten (32-0) in the playoffs when they have a player rush the ball 30 times.  In playoff games when they have a player rush the ball 25+ times, they are 109-23 (.825 win pct.). Marino played in 6 playoff games (1-5 rec.) where he was forced to throw the football 45+ times, and only once in his career did Marino have a RB rush the ball 25 times in a playoff game. It was Karim Abdul-Jabbar in 1999. They won. Here is some perspective: Marino played 242 games in his career. In only 23 of those games did he have a RB run the ball 25 times. Terrell Davis had 25+ carries in a game 19 times during Denver's  back to back Super Bowl run. Football is the ultimate team game, and that is why it is ridiculous to crucify one player for failing to win a championship. There are 45 players (and 12 coaches) that can impact the game; no single player can do it himself.

Let's examine the years Marino had either a defense or a running game (YPC and total yards included) competent enough to help him win a Super Bowl:

1983- Rushing 13th (23rd YPC), Defense 1st- This season Miami had a solid chance at winning a Super Bowl. Unfortunately, rookie QBs don't win Super Bowls. Marino emerged as a starter in week 5 and lit it up, being the only rookie QB ever elected to start a Pro Bowl. Can't ask for much more from a rookie QB. Marino didn't play specifically well in Miami's playoff loss to Seattle (2 TD, 2 INT). In hindsight, it was probably Marino's best chance to hoist the Lombardi trophy, as the Raiders were the weakest Super Bowl champion during Marino's era.

1984- Rushing 16th (16th), Defense 7th- Marino's second best (and probably last real) chance to win a Super Bowl. Marino had the greatest statistical season by any QB before or since. His defense and rushing attack was more than good enough to get to the Super Bowl. They made it there, but unfortunately, they had to play the 5th greatest team of all time.

1986- Rushing 25th (4th), Defense 26th- Marino had another all-time great season, but it wasn't enough to overcome a defense gave up 30+ points 7 times. If you can score 45 points and lose, you know you have a problem. No chance.

1987- Rushing 24th (10th), Defense 16th- Solid Pro Bowl season by Marino. The offense scored 20+ points in 5 losses. The defense wasn't absolutely terrible, but, it wasn't Super Bowl quality.

1990- Rushing 27th (28th), Defense 4th- Great defense, terrible running game. In the Divisional round of the playoffs, Marino scored 4 TDs (2 int), and the "great" defense imploded, giving up 44 points in a loss to Buffalo.

1994- Rushing 13th (10th), Defense 17th- Marino came back from a torn achilles tendon to make the Pro Bowl. An average defense and running game will get a great QB to the 2nd round of the playoffs. That's what happened here. Marino had 3 TD (0 int) in a 1 point loss to San Diego. Miami was out-rushed 202-26 (you can't win with that line), and the difference in the game was a safety against Miami RB Bernie Parmalee.

1998- Rushing 24th (30th), Defense 1st- This was Jimmy Johnson's smashmouth team. Unfortunately, J.J. forgot to draft a runningback competent enough to carry the load. It was Marino's penultimate season, and his health/skills were on the decline. Still, he lead them to the Divisional round of the playoffs. Miami got worked by a team J.J. wanted to be like. Marino did not play well (2 int), but he had no help whatsoever. Denver outrushed Miami 250-14, and Miami's defense surrendered 38 points. If Miami had Terrell Davis, and Denver had  Karim Abdul-Jabbar, my guess is that Marino, not Elway, is the one riding off into the sunset.

Unfortunately, it is apparent that Marino never had the luxury of having a competent running game and defense in the same season. He was forced to either shoulder the entire burden of the offense by himself, or help his offense score more points than his swiss cheese defense surrendered. That is not a Super Bowl winning formula. After researching this guy's tired article, I submit that they change the name of their website to Cold Hard Football Opinions Cleverly Disguised as Facts Through the Magic of Skewed Statistics.

You're fucking out.

V-Unit Rolls Deep

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Anything I can do, Suggs can do better...or so she thinks. For your reading pleasure, Suggs has put together her own celebrity entourage.

After reading Roby's obscenely A-list celebrity (editor's note: it is not) B-list entourage, Mike asked me if he could use Mel Gibson (editor's note: awesome pick. It would help keep those damned Jews away)...but now for my genuinely B-list celebrity entourage, and this is all based on the person's seemingly real personality, not on characters they play. If I went by characters they played, I'd pick Logan Echolls, Dan Marino, and Larry the Cable Guy. But since I am going on who these people really are, I can't pick them. The guy who played Logan is a Scientologist, everyone I know that has met Dan Marino has told me he is the biggest fucking asshole, and Larry the Cable Guy is not attractive enough for my entourage. On to my actual list...

(Editor's note: That was an unnecessary barb taken at the Editor's team's most famous quarterback, most likely because Suggs is still bitter that she lost her team's most famous quarterback to a fully legal and clean hit by Bernard Pollard last year. She was reminded when Pollard scored a TD against the Patriots in last week's season finale. Also, Wes Welker tore his ACL and MCL in that game. Guess who made the tackle on the play.)

Mike Epps- This dude is funny. He smokes weed in every movie he is in, so most likely in real life too. He's good friends with Ice-T which is a good connection to have (editor's note: you cannot mention Ice-T without mentioning Ice Cube). He is a pretty steady working actor so he wouldn't be a mooch in the entourage. He doesn't appear in anything too retarded (editor's note: "Malibu's Most Wanted") and I've never heard anything bad about him. I also appreciate how he was able to keep the "Friday" franchise alive after the departure of Chris Tucker- not an easy feat. He'd be a solid acquistion.

Eric Roberts- He is my obligatory celebrity sibling. His sister is like the most famous actress in the world so that's an awesome connection, on the minus side they aren't very close but she is close to his daughter so it could still be a benefit. In terms of Eric himself he seems to have a decent sense of humor and can probably score some good pot and possibly some other shit that you may not expect. He is also willing to parody himself.

Matt Leinhart- My posse needs an athlete, and it's gotta be one that parties. Matt Leinhart works, Tim Tebow would not (plus he'd get all the attention). Leinhart doesn't concern himself with trivial things other athletes do, like starting or playing time or any of that other bullshit that cuts into drinking time, so he'd always be down to party. Plus he seems too hang out with a lot of Hollywood partiers so he'd be a good connection to any kind of pharmaceuticals the rest of the entourage needed.

Lil' John- Do I need to explain this...?

Hank Williams Jr.- Because my entourage would be the realest one around. Since all his rowdy friends have settled down, he could use some new ones. Bonus: I think he'd be able to drink me under the table, which is a pretty rare trait and I respect that.

Bill Simmons- I agree with most of his points about sports, plus we share a passion for the same sports teams and it's always good to have someone to root along with.

Chelsea Handler- She likes vodka and she's sarcastic. We'd get along great.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Cast- They all write the show and they'd be good to come through every once in awhile to shoot the shit and get really fucked up with.

Katt Williams- Solid weed connection, friends with snoop and Nick Cannon-Carey. Makes hilariously bad choices that would amuse the whole group.

Kim Kardashian- She's hot and is always invited to the best parties but she doesn't drink, so she'd be a perfect DD.

Tara Reid- Every entourage needs one washed up (NSFW) has been. And she knows how to party.

Jeff VanVonderen- He's the bald interventionist from "Intervention." You never know when you'll need a quick intervention, plus I've heard every so often Jeff falls off the wagon and he'd be insane to party with.

That was my celebrity entourage... I'm watching Mike work on his right now so hopefully we will be back with that one later.

Rolling With The Homies (R.I.P. Tai)

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I was watching "Major League 2" the other day (an underrated comedy, definitely one of the rare good movie sequels), and it got to the scene where players are arriving for spring training. After spending the off-season filming the action blockbuster "Black Hammer White Lightning," Willie Mays Hayes rolls up to the training facility in a super stretch. Out pop 20 or so random extras that look like they were pulled straight from the early 90's (hint: they were). Some dude with a cowboy hat steps out and I found myself wishing that he was Toby Keith. A hot blonde was next and I wished she was Pam Anderson. After watching all those assholes file out of the limo, I was pissed that Willie Mays Hayes had such a shitty entourage. He might as well have these faggots. It got me thinking about who I would let follow me around when I become famous.

My B-List Entourage (Aka: The Dirty-as-Fuck Dozen):

Charlie Murphy- You need a famous brother if your posse is gonna have any street cred. Obviously Kevin Dillon is already taken. Chris Penn is unfortunately dead. Frank Stallone and Don Swayze, are creepy looking clones of their privilidged brothers, and Clint Howard is just plain creepy. I couldn't figure out which Wayans brother would qualify as the "brother" (hint: all of them), so I settled on Charlie Murphy. He is funny in his own right, and I need some darkness in my posse. Plus he has an in with the-artist-formerly-known-as-the-artist-formerly-known-as-Prince.

Bill Paxton- I am going to include Bill Paxton on one condition. I will require that he stays in character at all times. Simon was by-far his best character (along with Coconut Pete). I respect him because he likes the paycheck that comes from of terrible acting, and doesn't take himself seriously enough to make movies that most people classify as "good".

Andy Samberg- When you are in my posse, crazy shit is gonna happen. There are gonna be bitches on the reg, cheap booze on the reg, shenanigans on the reg...and we are gonna need someone to make funny movies about all of it. Also, it helps that he has a face that tough guys just wanna punch as hard as possible. That will save me some headaches, I'm sure.

Anthony Anderson- Ever since "Hang Time", he has been the quintessential 6th man of our generation. He was in every black movie since 1998 and somehow has yet to win an Oscar. I'm keeping him around for comic relief. Every crew needs a dude who pisses himself every time shit gets real.

Steve Buschemi- People say he isn't a very good actor. I say fuck that. He has done an excellent job in practically every role he has been cast. So what if every one of those roles called for creepy and crazy. Find what you do well, and perfect it. Every entourage needs a little bit of crazy, and I got mine.

Devon Sawa/JTT- I will get whichever one of these motherfuckers are still alive, since they are 100% interchangeable anyway. Having a child star/teen idol in the mix is really helpful when attracting girls with low self-esteem. Any girl dumb enough to bang these assholes is good enough for me. Plus, I need someone to hold my meth and blow.

Jean Claude Van Damme- When imaginary ass needs to pretend kicking, he's our guy. He is Van Fucking Damme. He is the godfather of the UFC, but not really. The reason he gets the nod over Steven Seagal is because although both make movies that ridicule themselves mercilessly, only JCVD managed to do it on purpose (I think it was on purpose). Plus his penchant for doing splits and making funny faces means he will probably be fun to get drunk with. (P.S. After Googling him to find images for this post, I was reminded how awesome Van Damme is. I became a little bit nervous that he would take over leadership of my posse until I found this.)

Internet Pornstars (NSFW)- Jenna Haze, Kate "Play" Ground, Tori Black, etc. In my posse, there is gonna be sex on the reg, and it's gotta come on the cheap. Having these almost-pros/not-quite-amateurs on call is a better value than say Jenna Jameson. Plus, since they are less famous, I can pretend like they haven't had 5,000 knobs inside them. What can I say? I have a soft spot for hot naked bitches.

Bob Saget- What can I say? I guess I will just have to fight Jamie Kennedy for the rights to Danny Tanner. Or maybe, I will just get Van Damme to do it for me. He is one of the dirtiest motherfuckers in the business, so he belongs in my crew. Bonus: I get to hear sweet stories of the debauchery that went down on the set of "Full House." (I wish "The Office" would write an episode where Michael Scott's boss gets into a car wreck and comes back only to have brain damage that makes him belligerent and vulgar all the time. He would be played perfectly by Bob Saget. Or something about an evil twin. That would be sweet.)

Rick Fox- For the better part of the 90s, he was the ugliest player in the NBA. Yet, he bangs hot chicks, and somehow landed a pretty, respectable wife. That tells me two things: He is smarter than he looks, and he knows where to score good blow. As a bonus, he knows where all the best parties are in LA.

Nick Swardson- If only for his work in "Grandma's Boy," "Reno: 911," and "IFH Mondays," he has to roll with me. He also has some pretty funny stand-up. He would be designated as the one who will represent us when the cops come around (the real ones, not Reno P.D.). I imagine he would do a good job of insulting them and sending them on their way.

Adam Sandler- I know he is a full-fledged A-lister, but I will make an exception for him. He doesn't seem pretentious or too big-headed to slum it with us (his head is mis-shaped, not big). As it is, he hangs out with Rob Schneider, so you know his standards are low already. After watching his movies, I know I can count on him having good shit on his iPod.

There you have it. This is my entourage, and as the master and commander of this motley crew, I reserve the right to kick anyone the fuck out at any time. You probably think that I should have more bitches in my crew, but in all honesty, if they aren't currently sucking me off, they are more than likely being a pain in the ass (and some can do both at the same time. see: ex-girlfriends). I don't need that kind bullshit in my life, I need the fun kind.