Jukebox Heroes

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With the 2009 NFL season coming to an end, I wanted to creatively recap the season. Imagine the NFL was a giant Jukebox. Here are the songs I chose that represent the state of each team this season, as well as moving forward. Away we go.

Arizona Cardinals- "The Times They Are A-Changin'" by Bob Dylan- For the loser now will be later to win, the times they are a-changin'. After getting one lousy playoff win in 60 years, Arizona has won four in the last two years. These perennial losers are poised to stay relevant for the next few years...if Matt Leinart can get his head out of his ass and take the reins from Warner.

Atlanta Falcons- "The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades" by Timbuk 3- A solid young team lead by one of the most polished 24-year-old quarterbacks you will ever see. I see a decade's worth of 10-win seasons.

Baltimore Ravens- "Learning to Fly" by Tom Petty- After years of offensive incompetence, especially in the passing game, Joe Flacco had the Ravens's offense flying high (or at least functional for once).

Buffalo Bills- "Somebody Nobody Wants" by Dion- Everybody I see seems to have someone but me. When did coaching the Bills become the worst job in the NFL? Everybody keeps turning down the head coaching position. They may have to hire Jim Kelly or something.

Carolina Panthers- "Drunk Drivin'" by Sublime- Every game was a wreck waiting to happen. Like driving drunk, disaster isn't guaranteed, but when Delhomme crashes, it's a 10-car pile up.

Chicago Bears- "Same Old Song and Dance" by Aerosmith- In the last 17 years, Chicago has had 13 different quarterbacks lead the team in passing. None can be described as "successful". Same shit, different year.

Cincinnati Bengals- "I'm Still Standing" by Elton John- One of the toughest teams you will see. Battled their own history, injuries, and tragedy (twice) to make it to the playoffs. Good showing by "the-team-formerly-known-as-the-Bungles."

Cleveland Browns- "I Wanna Rock (Doo Doo Brown)" by Luke- The Browns are shit. That's about the only relevance here.

Dallas Cowboys- "Glamorous" by Fergie- Once again, The 'Boys are America's glamor team, yet still can't win anything significant. At least they ended the playoff win drought.

Denver Broncos- "Free Fallin'" by Tom Petty- For the second straight year, they choked away the division. The reason this isn't the Giants' song is because they played better competition.

Detroit Lions- "Loser" by Beck- Soy un perdidor. I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me? If only we could.

Green Bay Packers- "The Best is Yet to Come" by Frank Sinatra- They are again the youngest NFL team, and have a solid foundation to be legit contender for the next decade.

Houston Texans- "Keep A-Knocking" by Jordan Louis- Each of the past three seasons, the Texans were expected to make the jump to contender status. Each of the past three seasons, they have fallen short. They are good, but just seem to lack the killer instinct.

Indianapolis Colts- "Nobody's Perfect" by Hannah Montana- But I wish they would have had enough pride to try to be.

Jacksonville Jaguars- "We Gotta Get Out of This Place" by The Animals- After failing to sell out their first 9 games of the year (two pre-season), The Jags need a fan base that will come out to their games. Next stop, L.A.

Kansas City Chiefs- "The Boys are Back in Town" by Thin Lizzy- It's a different town, but they are getting the band back together. GM Scott Pioli is trying to relive the Patriots glory days in K.C by hiring Todd Haley (HC), Matt Cassell (QB), Romeo Crennel (DC) and Charlie Weis (OC). Only time will tell how this experiment goes.

Miami Dolphins- "Hanging Around" by the Counting Crows, and "Black and White" by Three Dog Night- Only two of their games were decided by more than 12 points (Buffalo twice). They dominated much of their games against the Colts and Saints, yet came away empty-handed both times. Through 11 games, they gave up 134 fourth quarter points (12 per game), yet only gave up 6 fourth quarter points in the last five games combined. Weird season for the 'Fins.

Minnesota Vikings- "You Can Make History (Young Again)" by Elton John- In an attempt to break through and finally win a Super Bowl, Minnesota had 40-year-old Brett Favre playing like he was 25 again.

New England Patriots- "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) by Green Day" The Patriots' reign of dominance is over. After owning the 00's, New England has failed to win a playoff game in the last two years, and are no longer feared. To some people, it was fun while it lasted.

New Orleans Saints- "Bridge Over Troubled Water" by Simon and Garfunkel - When you're down and out, when you are on the street, when evening falls so hard, I will comfort you. The city of New Orleans has attached itself to the Saints like nothing I have ever seen before. In turn, Brees and the Saints have pulled them up off and dusted them off.

New York Giants- "Hot and Cold" by Katy Perry- This team was an enigma. After five games, it was all but guaranteed that they would be representing the NFC in the Super Bowl. They looked fantastic. Then they proceeded to lose four straight. For a team that prides itself on defense, they were a disappointment, finishing 30th in scoring defense. With the playoffs well within reach, they ended the season by surrendering 40+ in three of the last four games. Ouch.

New York Jets- "We're Only Gonna Die For Our Own Arrogance" by Sublime- Easily the most arrogant team in the league. Usually you have to accomplish something to be that way. Not for Rex Ryan and the rest of those assholes. Nothing is worse than watching the Jets play in January, especially since they didn't earn it. At least the Dolphins swept them to make it 3 in a row. Fuck the Jets.

Oakland Raiders- "Highway to Hell" by AC/DC- Widely considered the worst job in the NFL, it is coaching purgatory. As Callahan, Turner, Shell, Kiffin, and Cable have learned, it's now practically impossible to win more than 5 games under the Crypt Keeper.

Philadelphia Eagles- "Life in the Fast Lane" by The Eagles- League's 5th best offense that led the league in big plays came to a crashing halt in a week 17 shutout in Dallas. Didn't get much better in the wildcard rematch in Big D. Three of their four lowest point totals came in losses against the 'Boys. Ouch.

Pittsburgh Steelers- "Mad World" by Tears For Fears- In what bizarro world do the perennially tough-as-nails Steelers have a 4,000 yard passer, go 2-5 in games decided by a field goal, and lose to K.C, Oakland, and Cleveland in the span of 19 days? Terribly un-inspired season by the Steelers.

San Diego Chargers- "What Hurts The Most" by Rascal Flatts- Probably the most consistently talented teams of the last 5 or so years, yet they can't quite put it all together. Most teams don't get a Super Bowl window this big.

San Fransisco 49ers- "Like Father Like Son" by Lil' Wayne- Lil' Wizzle but you bitches call me first place. Poppa taught me paper chase, never skirt chase. Word. Honestly, I have no idea if that lyric is relevant. I just wanted to note that the 49ers have taken adopted the identity of their head coach. They are "Singletary tough." Their defense held 6 opponents to single digit scoring. Impressive no matter who you play against.

Seattle Seahawks- "I Disappear" by Metallica- Probably the most forgettable season in recent years. No memorable performances, no memorable plays; they were just there. A whole lot of blah. Their whole season was one long nap.

St. Louis Rams-"Help!" by The Beatles- They need it. Especially Steven Jackson who shouldered the entire offensive load this season. They can't afford to waste a back that talented who is still in his prime.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers- "Colorblind" by Counting Crows- Freeman couldn't seem to throw the ball to the right team. As a team, the Bucs threw 29 interceptions. All remnants of Dungy's team are gone, and the Bucs are in danger of slipping back into their old ways of the Creamsicle days.

Tennessee Titans- "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin- Very slow start (0-6), then Paige (Vince Young) comes in with one of the great guitar solos of all-time. They narrowly missed becoming the first team to make the playoffs after starting with 6 straight losses.

Washington Redskins- "Can't Buy Me Love" by The Beatles- Every year they are the big free agency "winners," yet come November are out of the race. The love has been lost in Washington, as the Redskins are only the 17th most popular NFL team.