I was watching "Major League 2" the other day (an underrated comedy, definitely one of the rare good movie sequels), and it got to the scene where players are arriving for spring training. After spending the off-season filming the action blockbuster "Black Hammer White Lightning," Willie Mays Hayes rolls up to the training facility in a super stretch. Out pop 20 or so random extras that look like they were pulled straight from the early 90's (hint: they were). Some dude with a cowboy hat steps out and I found myself wishing that he was Toby Keith. A hot blonde was next and I wished she was Pam Anderson. After watching all those assholes file out of the limo, I was pissed that Willie Mays Hayes had such a shitty entourage. He might as well have these faggots. It got me thinking about who I would let follow me around when I become famous.
My B-List Entourage (Aka: The Dirty-as-Fuck Dozen):
Charlie Murphy- You need a famous brother if your posse is gonna have any street cred. Obviously Kevin Dillon is already taken. Chris Penn is unfortunately dead. Frank Stallone and Don Swayze, are creepy looking clones of their privilidged brothers, and Clint Howard is just plain creepy. I couldn't figure out which Wayans brother would qualify as the "brother" (hint: all of them), so I settled on Charlie Murphy. He is funny in his own right, and I need some darkness in my posse. Plus he has an in with the-artist-formerly-known-as-the-artist-formerly-known-as-Prince.
Bill Paxton- I am going to include Bill Paxton on one condition. I will require that he stays in character at all times. Simon was by-far his best character (along with Coconut Pete). I respect him because he likes the paycheck that comes from of terrible acting, and doesn't take himself seriously enough to make movies that most people classify as "good".
Andy Samberg- When you are in my posse, crazy shit is gonna happen. There are gonna be bitches on the reg, cheap booze on the reg, shenanigans on the reg...and we are gonna need someone to make funny movies about all of it. Also, it helps that he has a face that tough guys just wanna punch as hard as possible. That will save me some headaches, I'm sure.
Anthony Anderson- Ever since "Hang Time", he has been the quintessential 6th man of our generation. He was in every black movie since 1998 and somehow has yet to win an Oscar. I'm keeping him around for comic relief. Every crew needs a dude who pisses himself every time shit gets real.
Steve Buschemi- People say he isn't a very good actor. I say fuck that. He has done an excellent job in practically every role he has been cast. So what if every one of those roles called for creepy and crazy. Find what you do well, and perfect it. Every entourage needs a little bit of crazy, and I got mine.
Devon Sawa/JTT- I will get whichever one of these motherfuckers are still alive, since they are 100% interchangeable anyway. Having a child star/teen idol in the mix is really helpful when attracting girls with low self-esteem. Any girl dumb enough to bang these assholes is good enough for me. Plus, I need someone to hold my meth and blow.
Jean Claude Van Damme- When imaginary ass needs to pretend kicking, he's our guy. He is Van Fucking Damme. He is the godfather of the UFC, but not really. The reason he gets the nod over Steven Seagal is because although both make movies that ridicule themselves mercilessly, only JCVD managed to do it on purpose (I think it was on purpose). Plus his penchant for doing splits and making funny faces means he will probably be fun to get drunk with. (P.S. After Googling him to find images for this post, I was reminded how awesome Van Damme is. I became a little bit nervous that he would take over leadership of my posse until I found this.)
Internet Pornstars (NSFW)- Jenna Haze, Kate "Play" Ground, Tori Black, etc. In my posse, there is gonna be sex on the reg, and it's gotta come on the cheap. Having these almost-pros/not-quite-amateurs on call is a better value than say Jenna Jameson. Plus, since they are less famous, I can pretend like they haven't had 5,000 knobs inside them. What can I say? I have a soft spot for hot naked bitches.
Bob Saget- What can I say? I guess I will just have to fight Jamie Kennedy for the rights to Danny Tanner. Or maybe, I will just get Van Damme to do it for me. He is one of the dirtiest motherfuckers in the business, so he belongs in my crew. Bonus: I get to hear sweet stories of the debauchery that went down on the set of "Full House." (I wish "The Office" would write an episode where Michael Scott's boss gets into a car wreck and comes back only to have brain damage that makes him belligerent and vulgar all the time. He would be played perfectly by Bob Saget. Or something about an evil twin. That would be sweet.)
Rick Fox- For the better part of the 90s, he was the ugliest player in the NBA. Yet, he bangs hot chicks, and somehow landed a pretty, respectable wife. That tells me two things: He is smarter than he looks, and he knows where to score good blow. As a bonus, he knows where all the best parties are in LA.
Nick Swardson- If only for his work in "Grandma's Boy," "Reno: 911," and "IFH Mondays," he has to roll with me. He also has some pretty funny stand-up. He would be designated as the one who will represent us when the cops come around (the real ones, not Reno P.D.). I imagine he would do a good job of insulting them and sending them on their way.
Adam Sandler- I know he is a full-fledged A-lister, but I will make an exception for him. He doesn't seem pretentious or too big-headed to slum it with us (his head is mis-shaped, not big). As it is, he hangs out with Rob Schneider, so you know his standards are low already. After watching his movies, I know I can count on him having good shit on his iPod.
There you have it. This is my entourage, and as the master and commander of this motley crew, I reserve the right to kick anyone the fuck out at any time. You probably think that I should have more bitches in my crew, but in all honesty, if they aren't currently sucking me off, they are more than likely being a pain in the ass (and some can do both at the same time. see: ex-girlfriends). I don't need that kind bullshit in my life, I need the fun kind.
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