My Second Favorite Draft (After Beer)

Now that the 2010 NFL Draft is officially in the books, it is time to second-guess my favorite team: The Miami Dolphins. Second-guessing your team's picks is the God-given right of all football fans, so get over it. That said, I must say that although I question some of The Big Tuna's picks, I don't presume to know more about football than he does, so in the end, I trust that he is taking this team in the right direction. In fact, my trust in Parcells was strengthened when he pulled the trigger on the Brandon Marshall trade. I was beginning to think that his philosophy on football was dated, and that he refused to respect the position of WR in an increasingly pass-heavy league. He surprised me by going after the big-time wideout; especially since there were questions about his character.

Aside: I really think that Brandon Marshall's locker room antics are a thing of the past. He is among five best players at his position, and has had over 100 receptions each of the last 3 seasons, yet 42 other WRs made more money than he did last year, including his teammate Jabar Gaffney. The new coach traded away his Pro-Bowl QB in the off-season. I would be upset if I was him too. And although he asked to be traded, he never dogged it on the field. He has a new contract, and is on a team that respects him (ask any player how a team shows you respect, and they will tell you it's by paying them.) and gets to play with a strong-armed QB and a very good running game. I think we are going to see a happy, productive Brandon Marshall from here on out.

Back to the topic at hand, based on the Marshall trade, and the fact that Miami stockpiled 7 players on the defensive side of the ball, addressing needs at LB, S, and D-line, my initial reaction is that Miami earned a solid B on their draft. But, the reality is that whether I'm a bullshit blogger with a fan-base of three readers and a girlfriend, or I'm Mel Kiper Jr, my next-day draft grade means nothing. We won't really know anything until a year or two down the road. The only way you can really immediately judge a draft as successful or not is if the team addressed their positions of need.

Miami's Picks:

RD

1 (28th) Jared Odrick,  DT  Penn State

2 (40th) Kao Misi,  DE  Utah

3 (73rd) John Jerry,  G  Mississippi

4 (119th) AJ Edds,  OLB  Iowa

5 (145th) Nolan Carroll,  CB  Maryland

5 (163rd) Reshad Jones,  S  Georgia

7 (212nd) Chris McCoy,  OLB Middle Tennessee

7 (252nd) Austin Spitler,  ILB  Ohio State

I hope every single one of these players pans out. That would be great. But let's be real, it is often times a crapshoot. I have heard good things about Odrick, but I am not completely sold that he can play in the middle of a 3-4 line. He seems a bit small. Misi is slated to play outside linebacker, but he hasn't shown himself to be even a moderately productive pass rusher. We went into this draft needing a dominant pass rusher, and got nothing that even resembles one. Parcells and co. must have a lot of faith in the development of Cameron Wake to have left all their egg in his basket. I am excited to see him in a more featured role next season. AJ Edds, by all counts, seems to be solid, but I don't trust players from Iowa. Spitler could end up being the better pick. We will see.  

For the sake of future I-told-you-so's, here is a list of guys I wish Miami had drafted. We realistically could have had almost all of them. Remember this list, because I will refer to it when these guys make the Pro Bowl.  Especially George Selvie. 

14th- Earl Thomas,  S  Texas

43rd- Sergio Kindle,  OLB  Texas

57th- Terrence Cody,  DT  Alabama

113th- Aaron Hernandez,  TE  Florida

124th- Eric Norwood,  OLB  South Carolina

207th- Myron Rolle,  S  Florida State

226th- George Selvie,  DE  South Florida

Undrafted- Colin Peek  TE  Alabama

Check out this video of Cameron Wake. What a freak.

Baseball Prediction Time!

I forget how much I like baseball until every April when I hear the words "opening day." I love it, because baseball is a sport where a roster can be the same from the year before, yet their win total can jump twenty games simply because of player development. That is what gives most every team hope every spring. Can Heyward spark the Braves? Will the young arms in Cincinatti make them a contender? Will the Marlins bullpen get their shit together? (Answer: no. But still, don't count them out.). Here's to another good baseball season, and hoping no team in New York wins it all. 

2010 MLB Season Predictions:

1. AL East final standings: 1. New York, 2. Boston, 3. Tampa Bay, 4. Toronto, 5. Baltimore
2. AL Central final standings: 1. Minnesota, 2. Detroit, 3. Chicago, 4. Kansas City, 5. Cleveland
3. AL West final standings: 1. Los Angeles, 2. Seattle, 3. Texas, 4. Oakland
4. NL East final standings: 1. Philadelphia, 2. Florida, 3. Atlanta, 4. New York, 5. Washington
5. NL Central final standings: 1. St. Louis, 2. Milwaukee, 3. Cincinnati, 4. Chicago, 5. Houston, 6. Pittsburgh.
6. NL West final standings: 1. Los Angeles, 2. San Francisco, 3. Colorado, 4. Arizona, 5. San Diego.
7. AL MVP: Mark Teixeira.
8. NL MVP: Albert Pujols.
9. AL Batting Champ: Joe Mauer.
10. NL Batting Champ: Hanley Ramirez.
11. AL HR Leader: Mark Teixeira.
12. NL HR Leader: Prince Fielder.
13. AL RBI Leader: Mark Teixeira.
14. NL RBI Leader: Albert Pujols.
15. AL Total Bases: Miguel Cabrera.
16. NL Total Bases: Albert Pujols.
17. AL Cy Young: Felix Hernandez.
18. NL Cy Young: Roy Halladay.
19. AL Wins Leader: CC Sabathia.
20. NL Wins Leader: Roy Halladay (sounds funny, right?)
21. AL ERA Leader: Felix Hernandez.
22. NL ERA Leader: Tim Lincecum.
23. AL Saves Leader: Mariano Rivera.
24. NL Saves Leader: Ryan Franklin.

You Can Wonderlic My Balls Capi-tan

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Alert the media! Tim Tebow scored!

...a 22 on the Wonderlic test (out of 50). Just kidding, the media already knows. The scores were leaked via Tweet by Edgar Thompson, a Dolphins beat writer with the Palm Beach Post, and now everybody knows. It seems to be a big deal for a people associated with the NFL Draft. Much was made of Vince Young scoring a 6 in 2005. Even last year, a red flag was raised when Percy Harvin scored a 12. Maybe that is how he chose his jersey number. Incidentally, both players managed to win Rookie of the Year honors. I guess it really only begs one question:

Does the Wonderlic test matter?

I personally don't think so. But in order to get a little perspective, I decided to sample the test. I found two different abbreviated versions of the test online. I scored a 39 on the version ESPN posted on Page 2 a few years ago. I also scored a 45 on this other one I found. Obviously, the results I got were not official in any capacity, or even valid. Nonetheless, it is cool to know that I would make a great NFL player. I mean, that is what my scores mean, right?

The Wonderlic test is given to millions of job applicants each year in professions outside of professional sports. It aims to quantify general mental ability, which is in a sense, the ability to learn. 20 is the average score, which indicates an IQ of 100. The average score for a chemist is 32, and 15 for a warehouse worker (21 for the average NFL player). That makes sense. Chemists are required to be more educated than warehouse workers to perform the functions of their given occupations. I understand why employers test applicants. Intelligence is a good indicator of occupational success in many fields, but mainly because physical attributes play such a small role in most professions. So why does the NFL administer the Wonderlic test when the main criteria for success is physical ability?

Although they have found some trends regarding players positions as they relate to scores, there has been no significant link between a high score and a successful career, or vice versa. Just for fun, here are the average scores by position:

(note: If I was Jemelle Hill, I would probably decry the racism inherent in the testing, but that is a different conversation altogether.) 

Offensive Tackle: 26

Center: 25 

Quarterback: 24

Guard: 23

Tight end: 22

Safety: 19

Middle Linebacker: 19

Cornerback: 18

Wide Reciever: 17

Fullback: 17

Runningback: 16

If there was a position that required a higher Wonderlic score I imagine it would be quarterback. They are required to read defenses, make decisions quickly and adjust on the fly. It is unquestionably the most involved position to play in any sport. Here are some notable scores by quarterbacks:

Ryan Fitzpatrick: 48- Harvard graduate. Finished in 9 minutes. Career backup.

Alex Smith: 40- Biggest QB bust of the decade. 

Eli Manning: 39- Can also lick Oreos faster than his big brother can. 

Matt Leinart: 35- Impressive, considering he was probably drunk.

Tom Brady: 33- *sigh* I guess thats why New England drafted him.

John Beck: 30- *sigh* I guess that's why Miami drafted him.

Brady Quinn: 29- May be a bust, but too early still.

Drew Brees: 28- Best QB in the league. Solid score

Peyton Manning: 28- Best QB in the league. Solid score.

Ryan Leaf: 27- I thought he was dumb. Nope. Just crazy.

Brett Favre: 22- Let's hope Tebow can mimic his career too.

Vince Young: 16- But he got a 6 on his first try. No joke.

Dan Marino: 15- More of a doer, than a thinker.

Terry Bradshaw: 15- "Couldn't spell C-A-T if you spotted him the C and T."

Donovan McNabb: 14- Yet he still manages to avoid INTs.

Jeff George: 10- "A score of 10 is literacy." -C. Wonderlic Jr.

Chris Leak: 8- answered 8 of 12 questions correctly then said "Fuck this. I'm out."

Obviously if Wonderlic scores were indicators of NFL success, Fitzpatrick and Smith would replace Favre and Marino in the Hall of Fame. But as you can plainly see, Wonderlic scores are no better of a predictor of NFL success than the 40-yard dash (Jerry Rice ran a 4.71, Emmitt Smith ran a 4.8). In my estimation, only 10% of the information gathered from all the the cone drills, sprint drills, and aptitude tests actually help measure future success. The reason scouts force players to go through all of the rigmarole is so in the end when the players that they drafted fail, scouts can use these scores as a crutch. When they draft a bust, nobody can say they didn't do their due diligence. 

This year's marquee quarterbacks:

Sam Bradford: 36

Colt McCoy: 25

Jimmy Clausen: 23

Tim Tebow: 22

Let's see how this plays out.

*****

Fun Wonderlic Fact: Frank Gore (who graduated from my high school a year ahead of me) scored a 6. He's Dyslexic. Literally. No pun intended. He took a verbal test later on and scored higher. (That is only the second time in my life when I actually meant it when I said "no pun intended." Practically every time someone says "no pun intended" they do so because they went out of their way to make a pun. Fuckers.)

Before you go, watch this remembering these words Todd McShay uttered less than a month ago: "[Tebow] will not make it in the NFL; I'm sure of it."

Who the Fuck is Oscar, And Why Does He Get A Party?

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Tonight Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin hosted the 82nd Annual Academy Award Show. And since ABC billed  2009 as one the greatest years ever for the film industry, I largely ignored them. I assumed that Avatar would clean up at the Oscars, but it was in-fact The Hurt Locker that won the most awards. That surprised me somewhat because it wasn't in 3-D, and didn't gross three billion dollars. 

Anyways, I noticed that my blog was getting a bit sports-heavy, and although that is not necessarily a bad thing, I like to keep things fresh. So I decided that I would host my own man-version of The Oscars in my head. Let's see if this translates well to my blog. It is worth pointing out that I did not see every movie mentioned herein. In fact, I probably haven't even seen a quarter of them. Regardless, I am gonna pick winners anyway.

Best Actor- Brad Pitt (Inglorious Basterds)- Brad Pitt has a long history of being a solid badass. I can't think of anyone who would be better cast in this role. 

Runner up- Hugh Jackman (X-Men Origins:Wolverine)- Jackman is a man's man (minus the singing and dancing). You gotta love a character whose greatest asset is uncontrollable rage. 

Best Actress*-Sandra Bullock (The Blind Side)- She is the actress in Hollywood that most everyone would marry in a second. That southern belle accent is especially hot on her.

Runner up: Megan Fox (Transformers 2)- From what I understand, she's quite the bitch. But she is a hot bitch, and that's all that really matters.

Best Supporting Actor-Baby Carlos (The Hangover)- "Not at the table, Carlos." 

Runner up- Andy Samberg (I Love You Man)- He plays a homo who can pick up any dude he wants. Quite comical. 

Best Supporting Actress*- Zoe Saldana (Star Trek)- I always thought she was black. I was proud of myself for thinking a black girl was hot. She is hispanic, not black, so I guess I am still racist. 

Runner up Kristen Bell (Couples Retreat)- Veronica Mars is perfect in every way. I never actually saw Couples Retreat, but I imagine she was perfect in this too. It's coming to my mailbox via Netflix as we speak. 

*I don't give five shits about whether or not she knows how to act. I like hot bitches.

Best Special Effects- Avatar- People are saying that James Cameron revolutionized cinema. I don't know about all that, but it was a better attempt at 3-D than Hannah Montana.

Runner Up- District 9- I'm not usually into science fiction, but those were some cool looking aliens.

Best Dynamic Duo- Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law (Sherlock Holmes)- I always thought Sherlock and Watson were supposed to be bitch-ass smart British types. Downy Jr. and Law are a better choice than say...Hugh Grant and Colin Firth. 

Runner up- Paul Rudd and  Jason Segel (I Love You Man)- They fed off each other nicely. Bonus points for Sydney's man-cave and being Rush fans.

Best Athlete Cameo- Mike Tyson (The Hangover)- Probably the greatest athlete cameo of all time. I didn't think anyone would be able to overtake the gorilla drummer as the best use of a Phil Collins song. 

Runner up- Lou Ferrigno (I Love You Man)- I consider bodybuilding a sport, because I don't want that Hulk of a man to kick my ass.

Best Big Titty Performance- Julianna Guill (Friday The 13th)- Holy fucking shit. That's pretty much all I have to say about that (NSFW).

Runner up- Katie Featherson (Paranormal Activity)- She kept me engaged for the whole movie. I was watching intently, hoping she would show me a tit...to no avail

Most Surprisingly Macho Performance- Liam Neeson (Taken)- There were many times in the movie where a punch in the nose or a shot to the chest would have sufficed. He said "fuck that" and gave every one of those motherfuckers two between the eyes.

Clint Eastwood (Gran Torino)- Who knew the old man had it in him. Beating up chinks like it was the 1950s again. 

Best Credits- The Hangover- I'm still not sure how they got away with showing that hooker sucking off Zach Galifianakis in the elevator.

Best Performance by an Actor from The Office- Ed Helms (The Hangover)- "Paging Dr. Faggot." Fun fact: Ed Helms's tooth is removable in real life. It was his idea to remove it for the movie. 

Runner up- BJ Novak (Ingloious Basterds). He makes me want to punch him in the face. So either is a really good actor, or a really big douche bag.

Best Book-Turned-Movie- Where The Wild Things Are- I loved this book as a kid. Max reminds me of me. "I'll eat you up!" 'Nuff said.

Honorable Mention-Watchmen- A comic book counts as a book, right?

Best "That's A Huge Bitch!" Performance- Mo'Nique (Precious)- That was, in-fact a huge bitch. 

Runner up- Tyler Perry (Tyler Perry's Madea Goes To Jail).

Best Cop Movie- Baul Blart: Mall Cop- Never before has a Segway been so prominently featured in an action movie. I approve.

Runner up- Observe And Report- It's the same fucking movie. This reminds me of 1998 when Armageddon and Deep Impact came out within a month of each other...which reminded me of 1997 when Dante's Peak and Volcano came out within two months of each other...which reminded me of 1994 when Tombstone and Wyatt Earp came out within 6 months of each other. (When Googling images for this post, I found a blog that basically said this same thing. And here I'm thinking I'm clever for noticing these things).

Best Movie Your Girlfriend Picked- Public Enemies- I am pretty confident that there is not a woman alive who doesn't get wet at the mere mention of Johnny Depp's name. Throw in Channing Tatum, and you have a flood in the movie theater.

Runner Up- Sherlock Holmes- Ditto on this one. Girls love Jude Law. It is nice to see RDJ take a break from hookers and blow to do a little acting.

Best Movie You Won't Take Your Mom To See- Bruno- Unless of course you mom loves movies about dick, balls and gays. (I can't give you links because I am at work).

Runner up- Inglorious Basterds- Would your mom really want to see any Quentin Tarantino movie?

There you go. Get out of my face.

The Draft

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It seems that everybody and their mothers are dissecting, analyzing, and prognosticating Tim Tebow's draft prospects. Enough people have put their two cents in that Timmy could fill his abortion jar 100 times over. But I digress. They have a million questions about Tebow, and are trying desperately to answer them before the end of the month. Will he be able to fix his throwing motion? Is he going to be another Alex Smith? Is he going to play tight end? With all the question marks surrounding him, it's a wonder how he managed to help the Gators win 48 games (35 as a starter), win two BCS National Titles, and capture a Heisman Trophy. With all that success, he has become a polarizing figure. It is safe to say that there has never been a more captivating college athlete. I guess that explains all the questions.

The NFL has become a machine. It is America's most popular sport, and far and away its most successful professional league. With the help of ESPN (and assholes like me who never change the channel), The NFL has become a year-round event. The day after the Super Bowl, pundits were already ranking teams for 2010, evaluating off-season personnel needs*, and speculating on free agent signings. The crown jewel for the NFL off-season is The Draft. With the draft comes the pre-draft meat market some refer to as "The NFL Combine."

* I realize that this image is not relevant in any way, but I stumbled upon it while Googling "2010 NFL Draft." She is hot. That is enough reason for me.

The combine takes place every spring about a month before the draft. The point of it is to quantify the things we think we know, thus guaranteeing that the Raiders will draft a big, strong, fast player who is incapable of actually playing football. My favorite part about the combine is how "experts" use the results of the drills to reinforce what they previously believed, or refute what they thought they knew after watching a player week in and week out on the field every Saturday for four years. It is a fantastic waste of money. But then again, it is the NFL, and they print their own money there. (You like that Brady Dollar? I just did that myself on the fly. I'm a fucking internet stallion. Boom!). The thing that gets me about the draft is that I can't think of a situation in the real world where past accomplishments are thrown out the window, and scored from completely unrelated tasks are the standard. How is this line of thinking valid, or acceptable?

Interviewer: "...Let's look at your work experience. It says here you were a high school janit-

Wannabe Employee: "Custodian...I was a custodian."

Interviewer: "Ok. Custodian. And you were the assistant to the regional manager at McDonald's."

Wannabe Employee:   "Something like that."

Interviewer: "Thanks for your interest. I think I have seen enough."

Wannabe Employee: "Check me out. I can juggle."

Interviewer: "...enough to know that you are management material. Welcome to the company!"

Now here is Tim Tebow. All he has done the last four years is give everything he has for Gator Nation. He has gotten excellent (at times historic) results. Anyone you ask gives glowing reports about Tebow the man, the teammate, the competitor, and the winner. Then you have Todd McShay's assessment: "[Tebow] will not make it in the NFL; I'm sure of it." I feel it necessary to point out that McShay also gave a glowing endorsement of JaMarcus Russell. Idiot.

Unfortunately for Tebow, the NFL is full of sheep, and they will continue banking on Ryan Leafs and pass up players like Tebow, that don't fit the NFL mold because that is just the way things are done. I hope Tebow steps right in, lights up the league and wins multiple Super Bowls. Partly because I am a Gator fan, but mostly because I hate everybody. And everybody includes all those "experts" out there who don't know shit, yet think their word is absolute truth. 

Talkin' About My Generation

I like lists. They are simple. They to the point. Since I tend to think in bullet points, it works for me. I think I'm gonna make one.

I was on SI.com yesterday, and I came across a fan post of the 50 greatest players in the history of the NBA. It was a solid list, devoid of too many egregious errors or omissions. I decided that, to combat boredom, I would compile my own list of NBA players. It bothers me when people speak on topics that they know little about. Since basketball began for me in 1989 (with the Miami Heat), I cannot knowledgeably compare guys like George Mikan and John Havlicek. Thus, I will rank the 25 greatest players of the last 20 years. Let's go.

Method: 1.) Write down the names of the best players that pop into my head. 2.) Google lists of the best NBA players of the 90s and 00s, and add some names I left out. 3.) Rank those motherfuckers.

(*Note: They are ranked by their body of work in the last 20 years. E.g. Larry Bird played until 1992, so he would only get credit for 3 seasons. Otherwise, he would have probably made the top 5. Defense matters. It is half of the game, and if you didn't play defense, you are probably not on this list.)

25. Tracy Mcgrady/Vince Carter- Practically the same story with these cousins. As good of scorers as you will see from the swing position. They didn't play quite enough defense to make the top 20 though.

24. Chris Webber- Could have easily been top 5 if he only had a little bit of heart. Even without it though, he managed to carve out quite a career. He had the ability to decide whether or not he wanted to score a triple-double on any given night...too bad he only chose to do it 22 times in his career.

23. Dwyane Wade- It's easy to think that I am blinded by fandom, or say he hasn't played long enough, but he played 1 more season than Grant Hill did before his sharp decline (injuries). Plus, Wade's highs were a bit higher than Hill's. "The Flash" is the most athletic player in the game today, and probably the most fun to watch. Fantastic defender, which is somewhat uncommon with great scorers.

22. Paul Pierce- A bit under-appreciated because of his lack of flash. Was a well-rounded, offensive player. Fun fact: A month before the '00-'01 season, he was stabbed 11 times in the neck and face and nearly died. He played in all 82 games that year.

21. Alonzo Mourning- A bit undersized, He was one of the great competitors of our generation. He gave 100% effort 100% of the time. One of the last true centers, he controlled the paint on both ends of the court. Blocked 3 shots per game; altered 5 or so more.

20. Clyde Drexler- "The Glide" was the successor to Dr. J and the predecessor to Lebron. Played the G/F hybrid position to perfection. He drove the lane with fluid grace. He was as good at 35 years old as he was at 22 years old...and every year in between. Remarkable consistency.

19. Charles Barlkey- He is not a role model, but he was a hell of a player. Constantly out-battled bigger players for rebounds. Would be higher, but some of his best years were in the '80s.

18. Dirk Nowitzki- The poster boy for the European Revolution in the NBA. One of the best shooters in the league, period. Very uncommon for a player his size. Should be a better shot blocker though.

17. Lebron James- God chiseled him to be the perfect tight end. Unfortunately for the Browns, he plays basketball. Has the physical tools, desire, and mentality to be an all-time great. Let's see how it plays out for "The Chosen One".

16. Reggie Miller- God chiseled him to be the perfect scarecrow. Fortunately for the Pacers, he played basketball. He made it on toughness, stamina, and a killer instinct. One of the all-time clutch athletes in any sport. Fun fact: He once scored 8 points in 8.9 seconds...to win a playoff game by 2 points.

15. Steve Nash- One heck of a late bloomer, his best years have come after the age of 30. His court vision and playmaking ability are second to none (well, second to one actually). Very good shooter from the point.

14. Gary Payton- "The Glove" was one of the great defenders of his generation. Don't let stat heads belittle his steals-per-game ranking, and call him "overrated." He stole the ball, dished the ball, scored the ball, but the best part of his game cannot be quantified--he played blanketing defense.

13. Patrick Ewing- Rock-steady patriarch of the Georgetown family of centers. Prototypical halfcourt center, his game was exceptionally boring...which was a good thing. He just did everything a center is supposed to, and he did it well.

12. Scottie Pippen- For most of his career, he was probably the second most well-rounded player in the league. Unfortunately, for most of his career, he was the second most well-rounded player on his team. I honestly don't think there was a player who could have played second fiddle to 23 better than Scottie did. Class act.

11. David Robinson- "The Admiral" spent 2 years away from basketball serving in the U.S. Navy before being drafted. Nevertheless, he stepped right in his rookie year and became an All-Star. One of the most respected people the NBA has ever seen. Fun Fact: in '94, he recorded a quadruple double. It had only been done three times before (including by someone else on this list).

10. Allen Iverson- At 6'4", Wade needs freakish athleticism and balance to stand out as a swingman. The Question: At 6'0", how on earth does A.I. do it? The Answer: I don't know, but it sure as hell isn't practice. Took more punishment than any other guard I have ever seen. Practically every shot he ever made was a tough shot. I was never a huge fan of his, but I admire his passion and determination.

9. Jason Kidd- He ran the point as good as anyone. He had two or three "how did he even see that?" assists per-game. He compiled 103 triple-doubles (3rd all-time). For perspective, the next closest player mentioned in this post is Grant Hill with 29. His wife is hot.

8. John Stockton- If you scored a bucket for the Jazz any time between '84 and '03, chances are Stockton passed you the ball. He is the all-time leader in assists, and it isn't even close (Jason Kidd is second with 10,712) . In my opinion, he was the greatest pure point guard that ever played. Fun fact: He played 16 full seasons...as in he played all 82 games 16 times!

7. Karl Malone- You can't have Stockton without Malone. "The Mailman" delivered till he was 40, being the oldest player to record a triple-double. Spent 17 consecutive seasons with a scoring over 20 ppg. Another old faithful, he played in at least 80 games in 17 seasons.    

6. Hakeem Olajuwon- "The Dream" had soft hands and range to open up the paint. He changed the center position with his versatility. Without a doubt, Hakeem was the most skilled center to ever play the game. He also scored a quadruple-double.

5. Kevin Garnett- One of the most successful high school draftees, he re-ignighted the NBA's interest in drafting high school players. Probably the most athletic true big men ever, his abilities allowed him to guard a wide range of players. Unfortunately, he didn't play with a very strong supporting cast for most of his career. If so, we might be talking about him as the best power forward to play the game.

4. Kobe Bryant- Love him or hate him (like I do), you can't deny he is one of the all-time great swingmen. By skill set, mannerisms, and killer instinct, he is the closest thing we have ever seen to MJ. He doesn't care much for his teammates or his fans; just winning. That is probably what makes him such a great player. One of the few players who could decide before hand whether or not he was gonna hang 50 points on you.

3. Shaquille O'Neal- Far and away the most physically dominant force of the past 20 years (maybe ever). Because of that, people tend to lose fact that he had as good of footwork as any center ever. He gets the nod over Kobe because he was the first option in the Lakers' three-peat. Fun fact: Shaq missed 5,256 free throws in his career. Only 58 players have even attempted that many in their careers.

2. Tim Duncan- He is not as funny as "The Big Aristotle", nor is he as intense as "The Big Ticket", but he is as consistent as they come. His nickname "The Big Fundamental" says it all. He gets the nod over Shaq because although taking the same team to the apex three straight years is impressive, taking four different teams to the top in 9 years is a bit more impressive. He is the only constant on all four of those Spurs championship teams.

1. Michael Jordan- I refuse to mention his offensive abilities. It's been done before. Unquestionably he is the game's greatest player, the game's greatest celebrity, and the game's greatest competitor. What really set MJ apart was his defense. He made 9 All-NBA Defensive first teams. He was the only player to register 225 steals and 125 blocks in a season. He did it twice. There is nobody better before, since, or likely ever.

Honorable Mention:

Tim Hardaway- Practically invented the crossover.
Mich Richmond- Great shooter, forgotten man.
Kevin Johnson- Mayor of Sacramento. Once played 62 min.
Mark Jackson- 3rd all-time in assists. The black John Stockton.
Joe Dumars- Versatile guard. Exceptional defender.
Glen Rice- Reggie Miller light. Great shooter.
Chris Mullin- Never misses a shot in "NBA Jam."
Jerry Stackhouse- Great slasher. Every team needs one.
Dennis Rodman- His crazy outshined his defense and rebounding.
Grant Hill- What if? Injuries bit one of the nicest guy in the game.
Ray Allen- He Got Game. And one of the smoothest strokes ever.
Sam Cassell- Most underrated player ever.
Glenn Robinson- I literally can't think of anything to say.
Dikembe Mutombo- Best shot blocker of this generation.
Chauncey Billups- Clutch, steady, and smart.
Stephon Marbury- Great scoring PG. Overpaid as fuck.
Dwight Howard- Preying on a weak era of NBA centers.
Jermaine O'Neal- The poster boy for patience. Developed nicely.
Steve Francis- Was the player Wade mimicked and surpassed.
Carmelo Anthony- Great scorer. Is becoming great as we speak.
Rasheed Wallace- Versatile. Complete. Technical machine.
Robert Horry- "Big Shot" was at the center of every major win.
Ron Artest- Did everything well. Everything.
Marcus Camby- P.J. Brown's clone, but better blocker.
Tony Parker- Banging Eva Longoria. Wanna hate him, but can't.
Ben Wallace- Played defense. That's it. Buckwheat's dad.
Amare Stoudemire- Physical force. Still learning.
Gilbert Arenas- Excellent scorer. Stupid nickname.
Pau Gasol- Ugly motherfucker. Can play though.
Yao Ming- Giant. Good player, nice guy. Ambassador to China.
Chris Paul- Can be one of the greats someday. Has all the tools.

I Can't Stand Pat Standing Pat

~
The NBA trade deadline has come and gone, and the Miami Heat (29-28) remain unchanged. The countdown to the end of the Dwyane Wade era has officially begun. While contenders Dallas, Cleveland added Caron Butler and Antwan Jamison, respectively, Miami yet again balked at the chance at adding talent. For what seems like the 10th straight year, Phoenix was shopping Amar'e Stoudemire at the deadline. Unfortunately, Pat Riley did not put together an attractive enough package to get Amar'e into a Heat uniform.

Now, if you are Dwyane Wade, what do you do? What are you thinking? What has to happen to convince you that Miami is capable being a title contender? I am afraid that Wade has lost faith in Riley's commitment to winning, or at the very least, his competence in assembling a squad that can contend. Since winning a title in '06, Miami has twice endured first-round exits, and once missed the playoffs altogether. Their biggest roster move? Trading Shawn Marion for Jermaine O'Neal, a 30-year-old with 40-year-old knees.

I am not going to presume that I know more about basketball than Pat Riley, because I don't. But the question must be asked, what is Riles doing? Basketball is a game wherein one great player can have a huge impact on the game. With Wade, Miami has an advantage over 27 other teams, because they have the 3rd best player in the league. Having a player of that caliber, combined with any semblance of a supporting cast should spell at least 50 wins for the Heat. If Riley's train of thought during this trade deadline had him freeing up cap room to sign two big free agents next summer, that is fine. But why has he wasted three seasons of Wade's prime? 

The Summer of 2010 is going to be an historic one for the NBA. Two of the gems from one of the all-time great draft classes (2003) are going to be free agents, and it is possible that one team will end up with both of them. Can Miami win the Lebron James sweepstakes, and re-sign Wade? Will Cleveland pull a coup hold on to Lebron, leaving Miami and New York (among others) at the altar? Do the Raptors make Chris Bosh available to Miami, in fear of losing him next summer? One thing is for sure, if Miami doesn't pull in at least one key free agent, and become contenders again, they will have wasted a really great career by a very special player.

Dwyane Wade (2003-2010?) 

Jukebox Heroes

~
With the 2009 NFL season coming to an end, I wanted to creatively recap the season. Imagine the NFL was a giant Jukebox. Here are the songs I chose that represent the state of each team this season, as well as moving forward. Away we go.

Arizona Cardinals- "The Times They Are A-Changin'" by Bob Dylan- For the loser now will be later to win, the times they are a-changin'. After getting one lousy playoff win in 60 years, Arizona has won four in the last two years. These perennial losers are poised to stay relevant for the next few years...if Matt Leinart can get his head out of his ass and take the reins from Warner.

Atlanta Falcons- "The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades" by Timbuk 3- A solid young team lead by one of the most polished 24-year-old quarterbacks you will ever see. I see a decade's worth of 10-win seasons.

Baltimore Ravens- "Learning to Fly" by Tom Petty- After years of offensive incompetence, especially in the passing game, Joe Flacco had the Ravens's offense flying high (or at least functional for once).

Buffalo Bills- "Somebody Nobody Wants" by Dion- Everybody I see seems to have someone but me. When did coaching the Bills become the worst job in the NFL? Everybody keeps turning down the head coaching position. They may have to hire Jim Kelly or something.

Carolina Panthers- "Drunk Drivin'" by Sublime- Every game was a wreck waiting to happen. Like driving drunk, disaster isn't guaranteed, but when Delhomme crashes, it's a 10-car pile up.

Chicago Bears- "Same Old Song and Dance" by Aerosmith- In the last 17 years, Chicago has had 13 different quarterbacks lead the team in passing. None can be described as "successful". Same shit, different year.

Cincinnati Bengals- "I'm Still Standing" by Elton John- One of the toughest teams you will see. Battled their own history, injuries, and tragedy (twice) to make it to the playoffs. Good showing by "the-team-formerly-known-as-the-Bungles."

Cleveland Browns- "I Wanna Rock (Doo Doo Brown)" by Luke- The Browns are shit. That's about the only relevance here.

Dallas Cowboys- "Glamorous" by Fergie- Once again, The 'Boys are America's glamor team, yet still can't win anything significant. At least they ended the playoff win drought.

Denver Broncos- "Free Fallin'" by Tom Petty- For the second straight year, they choked away the division. The reason this isn't the Giants' song is because they played better competition.

Detroit Lions- "Loser" by Beck- Soy un perdidor. I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me? If only we could.

Green Bay Packers- "The Best is Yet to Come" by Frank Sinatra- They are again the youngest NFL team, and have a solid foundation to be legit contender for the next decade.

Houston Texans- "Keep A-Knocking" by Jordan Louis- Each of the past three seasons, the Texans were expected to make the jump to contender status. Each of the past three seasons, they have fallen short. They are good, but just seem to lack the killer instinct.

Indianapolis Colts- "Nobody's Perfect" by Hannah Montana- But I wish they would have had enough pride to try to be.

Jacksonville Jaguars- "We Gotta Get Out of This Place" by The Animals- After failing to sell out their first 9 games of the year (two pre-season), The Jags need a fan base that will come out to their games. Next stop, L.A.

Kansas City Chiefs- "The Boys are Back in Town" by Thin Lizzy- It's a different town, but they are getting the band back together. GM Scott Pioli is trying to relive the Patriots glory days in K.C by hiring Todd Haley (HC), Matt Cassell (QB), Romeo Crennel (DC) and Charlie Weis (OC). Only time will tell how this experiment goes.

Miami Dolphins- "Hanging Around" by the Counting Crows, and "Black and White" by Three Dog Night- Only two of their games were decided by more than 12 points (Buffalo twice). They dominated much of their games against the Colts and Saints, yet came away empty-handed both times. Through 11 games, they gave up 134 fourth quarter points (12 per game), yet only gave up 6 fourth quarter points in the last five games combined. Weird season for the 'Fins.

Minnesota Vikings- "You Can Make History (Young Again)" by Elton John- In an attempt to break through and finally win a Super Bowl, Minnesota had 40-year-old Brett Favre playing like he was 25 again.

New England Patriots- "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) by Green Day" The Patriots' reign of dominance is over. After owning the 00's, New England has failed to win a playoff game in the last two years, and are no longer feared. To some people, it was fun while it lasted.

New Orleans Saints- "Bridge Over Troubled Water" by Simon and Garfunkel - When you're down and out, when you are on the street, when evening falls so hard, I will comfort you. The city of New Orleans has attached itself to the Saints like nothing I have ever seen before. In turn, Brees and the Saints have pulled them up off and dusted them off.

New York Giants- "Hot and Cold" by Katy Perry- This team was an enigma. After five games, it was all but guaranteed that they would be representing the NFC in the Super Bowl. They looked fantastic. Then they proceeded to lose four straight. For a team that prides itself on defense, they were a disappointment, finishing 30th in scoring defense. With the playoffs well within reach, they ended the season by surrendering 40+ in three of the last four games. Ouch.

New York Jets- "We're Only Gonna Die For Our Own Arrogance" by Sublime- Easily the most arrogant team in the league. Usually you have to accomplish something to be that way. Not for Rex Ryan and the rest of those assholes. Nothing is worse than watching the Jets play in January, especially since they didn't earn it. At least the Dolphins swept them to make it 3 in a row. Fuck the Jets.

Oakland Raiders- "Highway to Hell" by AC/DC- Widely considered the worst job in the NFL, it is coaching purgatory. As Callahan, Turner, Shell, Kiffin, and Cable have learned, it's now practically impossible to win more than 5 games under the Crypt Keeper.

Philadelphia Eagles- "Life in the Fast Lane" by The Eagles- League's 5th best offense that led the league in big plays came to a crashing halt in a week 17 shutout in Dallas. Didn't get much better in the wildcard rematch in Big D. Three of their four lowest point totals came in losses against the 'Boys. Ouch.

Pittsburgh Steelers- "Mad World" by Tears For Fears- In what bizarro world do the perennially tough-as-nails Steelers have a 4,000 yard passer, go 2-5 in games decided by a field goal, and lose to K.C, Oakland, and Cleveland in the span of 19 days? Terribly un-inspired season by the Steelers.

San Diego Chargers- "What Hurts The Most" by Rascal Flatts- Probably the most consistently talented teams of the last 5 or so years, yet they can't quite put it all together. Most teams don't get a Super Bowl window this big.

San Fransisco 49ers- "Like Father Like Son" by Lil' Wayne- Lil' Wizzle but you bitches call me first place. Poppa taught me paper chase, never skirt chase. Word. Honestly, I have no idea if that lyric is relevant. I just wanted to note that the 49ers have taken adopted the identity of their head coach. They are "Singletary tough." Their defense held 6 opponents to single digit scoring. Impressive no matter who you play against.

Seattle Seahawks- "I Disappear" by Metallica- Probably the most forgettable season in recent years. No memorable performances, no memorable plays; they were just there. A whole lot of blah. Their whole season was one long nap.

St. Louis Rams-"Help!" by The Beatles- They need it. Especially Steven Jackson who shouldered the entire offensive load this season. They can't afford to waste a back that talented who is still in his prime.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers- "Colorblind" by Counting Crows- Freeman couldn't seem to throw the ball to the right team. As a team, the Bucs threw 29 interceptions. All remnants of Dungy's team are gone, and the Bucs are in danger of slipping back into their old ways of the Creamsicle days.

Tennessee Titans- "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin- Very slow start (0-6), then Paige (Vince Young) comes in with one of the great guitar solos of all-time. They narrowly missed becoming the first team to make the playoffs after starting with 6 straight losses.

Washington Redskins- "Can't Buy Me Love" by The Beatles- Every year they are the big free agency "winners," yet come November are out of the race. The love has been lost in Washington, as the Redskins are only the 17th most popular NFL team.